The Guru Of Funky Slippers

It was bound to happen...

2006-08-13T09:28:00.000Z

www.theguruoffunkyslippers.blogspot.com

NOT a vampire slayer, rather the best blogger in the world.

2006-05-09T10:26:00.000Z

Yo yo yo!

I'm not blogging anymore... just this once... I promise.

I'm here to advertise for a good friend. A very good friend.

I don't want any jokes - but her name is Buffy, and she has got to be the wierdest, yet most amusing blogger in the world, and if I was still blogging she would always be on post of the day.

She's EVEN done a girlfriend application form for me. That's how good a friend she is.

(That's sad I know)

All I really want to say is, read her blog - it's awesome and you'll wonder what the heck she's on.

www.buffyandjujubees.blogspot.com

Try it - you might like it.

Okay okay okay

2005-12-19T11:24:00.000Z

Alright.

And I know I was going to try and hide these details from a few people and surprise them... BUT

Since Chuck has already spread the good news...

I'm getting back to the promised land on Wednesday the 21st of December, and my plane's flying in at 1pm.

So yeah, people are more than welcome to come meet me, but I'm not expecting anyone to. I'm sure I'll catch up with y'all at some stage.

So um...

Goodbye England.

And thankyou for the best year of my life. I'll miss you more than I can say, and I've gotta try and get back. But for now, look after yourself.

I love you.

2005-12-06T21:20:00.000Z

Yep

Alright. That's it.

2005-12-04T21:48:00.000Z

I'm finally gonna kill this blog.

I'm fed up with keeping it in this tortured existence of not knowing whether it's coming or going - with huge patches of neglect and absence of love.

Yup, Ima put it out of it's misery being the humane person that I am. It's not fair on the poor creature.

We've had some good times and many happy memories, a pile of laughs and managed to shock in the process. It was beautiful.

Thankyou all for being so cool and stuff.

You'll see me around again sooner or later.

But for now, say goodbye to The Guru Of Funky Slippers blog. We'll miss ya.

Oh to count the ways I love thee.

2005-11-12T11:40:00.000Z

A poem by Sam Burrows:

Jacob in the Bible
He liked this chickadee
This chickadee was Rachel
And she was Jacob's cuppa tea

He went up to her daddy
And said 'Sir, she is the one!
I've had my little eye on her -
Cupid chased and I've been stung!'

So Mr Rachel's daddy
He said 'Son if you're for real,
Work for me for seven years
And we have ourselves a deal.'

So Jacob got to ploughing
And working tractors all day long
He worked off his little hiney
Until seven years were gone.

So the wedding day it came to be
And Jacob was all like 'Sweet!'
But Rachel's daddy gave him Rachels sister,
What a cheat!

So it turns out Jacob worked again,
Another seven years!
He worked the plough and tractor,
Combine Harvester and shears.

Eventually got he got his prize
That hottie worth the wait
And biting on that tackle hook
Was worth it for the bait.

So the moral of this story kids
And I know it sounds all cheese
But if you really want something bad enough
The juice is worth the squeeze!

Post Of The Day He is on fire. Totally totally awesome.

Woot woot for my birthday

2005-11-01T18:09:00.000Z

Wow, I've been quite overhwelmed by all the birthday texts and emails from you all, I can't express how grateful I am, really.

It's a privelage to be 19 with friends like you - I love every single one of you!

Harro Pranet Earth.

2005-10-24T23:35:00.000Z

So my old pal Seiji from Japan is gone. I had to say the big goodbye again.

But it's all good because we're now gonna write a book together. Yes sirry bob, it's gonna be an autobiographical story of our friendship.

And we're gonna call it 'Quarter to two' after an in-joke than only four year olds would find funny. So, subsequently us too.

Sometimes I write about my friends on here, not to look popular and the shizz, but to show off how cool my friends actually are. And in this case, Mr Seiji Nakano most definately is. He's Japanese, but that's ok because he's a real inspiration to me.

Y'see, he wanted to go to another country when he was 16 to learn English. So he did. And then he wanted to go back to Japan to work for a while. So he did. And then he wanted to go to England to study in a top school. So he did. He's the sort of guy that knows what he wants, and isn't letting anything including crappy excuses to get in the way of it. I wish I could do that.

But I just found out today that I didn't get into the course I applied for. So that's kinda thrown me.

Turns out the course was 'highly competitive, therefore could not accept me'. In short people, I wasn't good enough. But I'm gonna walk the walk like my friend. I'm not gonna let this get me down or stop me, but find another way.

'Cause whoop whoop it's my birthday next Tuesday. It's true, I will in fact be 19 on the first of November, which is rather exciting. My first birthday away from home. Give it up for the big one nine.

(Send money grandad)

And if that's not cool enough for your yaw little hiney's I've started writing for my new blog, ready to be launched next year. And as they say over here, that's proper bo.

Prooooooooooooooper boooooooooooo.

Super Asian is in the building!

2005-10-21T00:18:00.000Z

Oh my gosh. Ladies and gentleman, may I warmly introduce to you the one, the only Mr Seiji Nakano!

sorry, Im not seiji anyway.

Well, who the heck are you then?

hm, dont know really..... sorry. Im seiji. Hi everyone(who reads sams blog).

Ok Seiji, would you like to tell everyone why you're at my house?

because Sam and Jacob didnt come to LIverpool, so had to. I had to ihad to.

Oh. Well anyway, it sure is good to see you. I like your new mullet.

are you sure? is it really good to see me? really? I dont hink so. you jsut told me to back off. anyway, you like my mullet? mullet? what is it?

Yes, trust me! It is good to see you! I wouldn't lie to you, you're a samurai. Yeah mullet's good. Do you really not know what one is?

oh yeah, I know, you never lied to me. does mullet taste nice. has it egg around it?

Ummmmmmm not typically.... I'm not sure. Can I taste your mullet?

MY MULLET??? Do I have one? can I taste it too?

After me. Is that ok?

of course, my love.

Mmmmmmmmmmm yummy. Your mullet is good. Love? Woah, I didn't know it was like that. It appears Liverpool hasn't been good for you...

yuck, go away.

Get out of my house.

...can I come in?

Yeah, sorry I was so mean. You can taste my mullet now if you want. Just so it's fair.

yeah you are. I wouldnt taste your mullet tho. smells like cows crap.

Flattery will get you nowhere Seiji, but by al means keep trying. Wait a minute...

so, its really nice to see you again.

Yeah you too.

yeah me too...

Oh you're such a funny. I want to go to bed now.

go ahead albany

Mother, who was my father?

go to sleep albany go to sleep...

Beatles Tribute

2005-10-12T19:43:00.000Z

When I was younger so much younger than todaaaaay

My hair was short in the days long hair was gay

But now I'm older and a rock star's what I aaaaaaaam

And I know my mop makes me a better man

Help me if you can I need a chooooooooop

But going to the Barber's costs a looooooooooooot

I can't get it cut if it's not freeeeeeeeee

Oh won't you please, please help me?

No seriously now, it's getting out of control. I would put a photo up but I don't have a camera anymore, but thatr's probably good because the image would be too disturbing.

And this a family show, kids.

Maybe I should set up a PayPal account, so that people can make donations into my charity so that I can buy a haircut. That is a plan.

Or I could steal - either way, less of my hair will be a good thing for society.

When my dad was a young lad, bout my age he had hair down to his backside, and amazingly it never caught on fire despite how much he smoked and actually never bothered with a cut until he met my mum who predictably whipped him into shape.

Which I'm sure would happen with me if I was still at home.

But it's a tough decision - rock star or pretty boy? And, no you can't do both, Simple Plan proved that. And on the other side of the coin, so did the Rolling Stones.

I hope you've all bought the new Switchfoot album.

Being an idiot never looked this cool.

2005-10-05T02:16:00.000Z

It's been too long since I've busted out a post of a continuous train of thought for a while. And it's the perfect time of the day - 1:54am.

So a one

A two

a-one two three four

If you look at me from a fair distance now, I look like a girl. My hair is pretty beastly. Which makes it hard to play with and I find I'm leaving bits of it everywhere. I'm so poor right now I don't even have the money for a haircut. So it could be a full four months of hair growth which would take me to a place of looking like Mufasa or somethin' crazy like that. Don't get no JLE perks.

But the world knows that it's never gonna hold me back in the ladies department.

I'm an arrogant loser sometimes, but I'm pretty sure I don't mean it. Sorta like a harmless cockiness where people just slap me on the back and play along, and then do little things to bring me back down to earth.

Problem is, I was only joking so in their efforts to bring me back down to earth, I get all sensitive and take it personally. Yeah. Watch me blame my insecurites on my friends.

2am Ding Ding!

I'm always complaining about my lack of sleep these days, and 'I'm tired' is my response/answer/excuse for everything. So late night blogging was the stupidest idea ever. Especially when I've got a hot date tommorow.

I mean what?

Date as in day. Yeah. I'm really into the 5th of October. And I'm pretty sure she's into me.

Hey there October.

Call me Rock-tober.

Ooooh nice.

Mmmmmmmmm I love it when you blog like this and blatantly make no sense.

Hey, it sells like teen spirit.

So tell me a bit more about your blog plan Samuel.

Well, for one thing, I want a classy banner at the top of my B-log, a bit like this one. Make it all pretty like.

And then?

And then stop writing crap like this and put stuff on it that people will wanna read. Y'no?

Shall I leave you to write haiku?

Please. See you next year.

Alrighty, 2:10am and it's Haiku time again.

If I look at a computer screen in the dark
My eyes will grow old faster than me
So I will have to kick their asses.

I do not think that serious bladder training
Is sensible right now
When I think it would be funny
To give up half way through

I can speak a little bit of dutch now
But does that make me less of a person?
I'm sure the ladies will still dig me anyway.

2 months and my Haiku still needs a miracle Or two.

2:13 and I have one more minute.

Writers block!

I thought pressure was supposed to be good for creativity?

I've been wrong before.

2:14 baby. Now I know I still got it.

Yes indeed.

Look, there's me! There's ME!

2005-10-04T20:35:00.000Z

It hurts.

It huuuuuuuuuuuuuuuurts.

I miss blogging so much.

So here's the dillyo. I'm not getting much free time lately - which is fine, the JLE is what I signed up for and if they need me for 20 hour days, then so be it.

But this blog is me man, people from places like Texas say they know me through my blog. Sometimes I only know me through my blog. And it freaks me out. Geez...

I feel like I just have so much ready to go up on here, so much to say to make people think and laugh at the same time, and ideas that I'm slowly losing grip on as I keep going through my days not writing anything down.

And I dunno, it seems like a lot of you are giving up with me. And that's sad. Don't.

So, I have a big plan. A new vision for my blog. I'm gonna start making it now.

Y'see I want to have a blog that's good, not this piece of web junk. I want it to be completely honest, and not have to hold anything back at all.

One of the things that's really restrained me is the fact that my whole extended family reads this. Now that's cool to know they all appreciate it, but there's stuff I want to write that I know they'll think is over the line.

The plan is to start a new blog, in the new year maybe - where people who enjoy this blog can go to, but also a blog that I can choose not to show to certain people. So you'll soon know if I don't think you're thick skinned enough.

So while mummy still reads what I write, mummy I'm a hard working little boy at the moment. So much so that my creative outlet has been my suffocated limb for a while. Yes, that sentence was try hard modern shakespeare.

And that in turn shows how out of practise I am.

But it's not all bad because I got the best album in the world on Friday. So I'm grinning while I work.

Yeah so I got the no-blog-blues. That's where you've got stuff inside to write about, you want to write it, but you can't. And then you just sit by the computer watching your creation decay and fade, and hoping that you guys pick up on my semi sarastic tones.

Anyhoo, I'm pretty sure I'll be back soon. I'm down but not out.

I guess it's just lucky that my blog is so awesome.

What? It is!

Pssssshhhhh you try and put a picture of your ass on the internet and still maintain respect.

Post Of The Month

My blog deserves to die!

2005-09-20T18:21:00.000Z

Off with his head men!

Hey you.

2005-09-09T00:18:00.000Z

Yeah you.

My blog's talking to me again.

You're an ass.

Don't I know it, but please expand.

You never talk to me anymore. Before you went to the Ukraine we were all buddy buddy. We had a hundred visitors a day and life was good and the chicks dug us. We were a team and boy did we kick ass.

Yeah, the glory days.

Anyway, bucko, you came back and you were all serious, and you didn't know how to talk to me anymore. You've got all philosophical and sensitive, and worst of all, it's like I don't mean anything to you.

Yeah I'm an ass.

Do you still love me Sam?

Of course, you're the closest thing I have to a child. I've poured a lot of myself into you. You're my son, my first born over all creation.

You're a bad dad.

Actually my friend, I think the trick is controlling you sometimes.

'Scuse me?

Well, you've let things slip, to say the least. You're mouth is unstoppable. My failings as a father come out through your 'talk now, think later' mentality.

If I had arms you would be in a hospital bed.

Awwwww buddy.

Don't push it.

Woah, freakin' my undies...

Ok that's it.

What ya gonna do, big guy?

Well, I'm the blog - I call the shots.

.....

Ok everybody. Sam has always a had a crush on Geri Halliwell, and at one stage he was actually in love with American Girl and just covered it up with joking around. He has had a crush on two of his teachers. He has a pair of boxers stuffed in a drwaer in his room that he followed through into, and was too embarrassed to put them into the wash. He spends way too much time in front of the mirror, practising cute smiles. Sam has a real african butt, and a black nose which he gets quite sensitive about, and he's a really quite paranoid about his weight. The only girls to like Sam are always younger. He can't use a dishwasher or a washing machine. He did real well in English at school but can hardly add.

Besides all that he's ugly, short and has girl hair. In fact I personally feel that he looks like yoda.

Wow, I don't know what to say. You really let rip. A bit harsh about my African butt I might add.

No, here's the proof.

I have a beautiful bottom. It is a very powerful bottom. When I get lazy I like to climb trees with my bottom. Which is precisely why it is so round and muscular.

You're a disgrace Sam Burrows.

Floater on a stick.

2005-09-01T23:43:00.000Z

My blog is like my brain on a stick. I spike it and hold it up to your window, waving it around in all it's glory singing 'What a wonderful brain'. And you all gaze in wonder exclaiming 'That boy is a gift!' And I keep waving until my arm hurts and then pop it back up a few days later.

This past while I haven't had time to wave my brain at you properly, I feel quite disconnected from my blog. I haven't totally displayed it, haven't been brutally honest with you, haven't had time to think which part of my mind I could show you next. I think I've thrashed the Ukraine on here, and it was ages ago, so I don't need to talk about my Ukranian wife. So yeah. How you all really doing?

Me? Thanks for asking. I'm doing pretty good thanks. I have no spare time it seems, Megaman's been cranked out again so I'm all go go go which is pretty cool but stuff and things and yeah.

So here's my brain on a stick for you, I've done this before, half an hour with yours truly. A constant train of thought written in cyber land.

11:11pm: I wish I had the guts to tell people my feelings. I'm way more shy and insecure than I thought actually. Which actually makes me think, some people see me as this guy who's really sure of himself, and finds it easy when in any situation. I'm not. We're all insecure and I'm a big faker but it helps to have some big front to cover up your inner pains. I make myself sick with holding stuff inside.

I'm actually feeling really sensitive right at this point in time.

Pass me a tissue.

11:20pm and a certain person who I care a lot about has just spilled her insides to me. And I feel emotionally worn out because I'm sleepy and exhausted physically.

And I'm pretty sure I'm just drifting between people, not really fully connected to anyone, not really meaning much to anyone, just there as another friend.

11:30 what a depressing thought. This brain waving was such a bad idea.

I'm sure I'm not the only one who feels like a floater in life and friends. Feeling like everything is way too temporary and fragile all the time.

On the end of the stick in the pink squishy thing is the word 'Floater'.

I am a floater. Check me out.

Where did my sense of humour go?

11:37 I'll just go to bed I think. I'll sit here for 4 more minutes to make the whole half hour.

11:41 and I could sleeping - idiot.

Post Of The Day - by far. 10 points Jakes.

The Shadow Proves The Sunshine

2005-08-27T12:43:00.000Z

So I finally got those photos. Aren't they real beauties?

I promised to talk about the Ukraine, why I went, what I did, who I fell in love with and what went on. So here we are.

I went to a small town in the Ukraine called Krasny Luch. I taught in a school every day in the middle of town. I was an English teacher with two hours training. And I don't mean to brag but I pulled it off. The school was a summer school which meant that we were only teaching the elite english students in the area, so everyone spoke the language pretty well.

The food was sick, I was constantly knackered, mosquitos kept me awake (so did the snoring of my 70 year old room mate) but I've gotta say, it was probably the best time of my life. I learnt some really important things in life that I'm making a huge effort not to forget.

The thing was, almost immeadiately after we got there, these kids accepted us into their lives completely and we were treated like royalty, and held something as (supposedly) worthless as a conversation with the highest value. These people had next to nothing, yet they gave us all they had, whether that be their own rooms, their food but most importantly time and attention. Not just to us either, but to eachother. My bag was full of presents I felt like I should never have been given. Now I can only guess, but I would say that this is how Christians are called to behave. Selfless love in it's purest form - when you have nothing else to give and everything is shared. And half of them weren't Christians. It really showed me how much of a joke the church in the west is, how we can be so caught up in staying relevant to the culture we're in that we forget to love the people in the culture.

The breath of fresh air that came with the Ukraine was the fact that people valued eachother more than stuff, more than bits and pieces, more than their possessions. They knew what was most important in life, what real treasure was. And sure, they couldn't afford satellite TV, but they were far richer than I had ever been. They owned the acknowledgement that people really matter. They really matter. In some ways it was more of a culture shock to come back here, to the West. where we have everything and more, where we're all gluttons trying to be thinner, we're all selfish consumers trying to be better people, all spoonfed by the TV, trying to be individuals.

We have missed the point.

In fact we're a million miles from it. Y'no what, the Ukraine is right. Screw your 'in' clothes. Screw your peer pressure, the right friends, the cool parties and those jeans that keep you relevant to the people around you. Stuff the shallow ideals that have subconciously taught us that we, are in fact the centre of our universe, others come second, and that there is just no way that I'm going to give you my undivided attention when I've got texts to write.

We have MSN, AOL and every other insant messenger service on the face of the planet, we have the internet, armed with email providers, we all have cell phones, home phones, work phones, car phones. We have more than enough ways to stay in touch with everyone in this 'information age' but we've always had the means to love the people around us. We're all paranoid, trying to keep up with the goss and getting caught up in things that don't matter.

Life is meant to be so much simpler!

And I am so guilty of messing this up. I look at myself and realise I've taken all my friends for granted, others are always the ones having to arrange a catch up with me, I never make the effort and I suck at replying to emails. I just expect everyone to always be there when I'm ready to talk to them. I have selfish motivations for friendships, instead of maintaining them because I want to serve the people I care about.

I am a victim and a product of the self-centred culture we all live in.

But I caught onto something I've been missing in this poor country, and I'm doing my best not to loosen my grip on it.

10 points for reading this far. You rule.

Someone, somewhere, please jump out of your little bubble and give some of your time to that stranger next to you on the bus, that guy that finds it hard to talk to anyone, that friend who's down in the dumps. It's what you're here for.

You are not here for yourself. That's just the easy road.

You're such a funny!

2005-08-24T11:53:00.000Z

It appears I made a pretty big mistake when I told my dear mother and father about this blog. It's turned into a bit of a deadly chain reaction.

My dad likes it apparently so that's ok, my mum is just suprised about the sheer lack of shame and the openness that I've displayed. To be fair she has a point.

But then, my dear mother goes and does one of the dumbest things ever and tells my Grandad about it, who reportadly said 'I read all of it. Didn't understand half of it, he seems to have his own language, but it's very entertaining.' Ok so that's not that bad.

But then he sends it to all my aunts and uncles, and my mum's God mother who reportadly said 'It just keeps coming and coming doesn't it? I can't believe he has that much nothing to say!' - Hilarious.

So it appears I've gotta watch what I write. Well, I don't have to, but it's probably a good idea if half of my extended family are reading this. And I think the other half are on their way by the sounds.

I was thinking, I've written a lot that I wouldn't want my whole family to read. Like these:

Too much detail about me liking a girl.
My mum couldn't believe I wrote this (especially the 'toungues' part. Can't see why...)
This is just gross.
Hey boy, I thought you worked hard?
Sam The Racist
Um... yeah...
Maybe a bit too brutally honest.

Actually, while I'm at it, sup Grandad! Since you can't understand anything I talk about, just follow these simple instructions:

1. Delete this site from your favourites.
2. Stop sending the posts to my uncles who I'm sure have shattered images of me by now.
3. DO NOT click on the above blue links.
4. If you choose not to follow the above instructions, be nice and drop a comment.

Hey guys, why not leave some comments for my grandad? Why not.

This situation is kinda awkward I must say. At least I'm over the other side of the world at the moment.

Just a side note: someone else is in England. He says he's a friend, but what kinda friend cuts all his hair off?

You're pretty lucky, ducky.

2005-08-19T22:04:00.000Z

Still don't have the pictures yet. You truly cannot find the staff these days.

I just got a prolific email form a good mate of mine. It challenged all that I am.

Does anyone else constantly feel a great sense of incompletion and dissatisfaction within themselves? I really do. It's a huge groan and stretch in my soul, a spurring on to lean forward with becoming who I'm supposed to be. A knowledge that I need to me more grateful for the grace I recieved. A knowing that in each passimg day I'm going to be more and more amazed with my salvation, that God Himself chose me, not the other way round.

I have everything I need.

I can only remember my childhood to be colourful and full of imagination and innocence. I was really sheltered but allowed to run off in my adventures of invisible pirates, and secret missions as one of the ninja turtles. I lived like a kid man. Plus I had everything I needed and much more.

Yeah well going back to the Ukraine in this post and I'm going to tell you about the saddest thing I ever saw there, the saddest thing I've ever seen.

Remember what I said about my childhood.

On our last night there, we arrived at the train station with our kit and bags and stuff. We were waiting around for our bus when these three little kids who can't have been older than 8 started talking to us. Straight away it didn't look good. Three little boys on their own at 4 in the morning at a train station. Then, expectadly they started begging for money. We all started joking around of how we would get them if they ran off with our stuff. It was pretty sad, but on the other hand really annoying as they kept at us for the next 10 minutes. We began to walk of to our bus, but they followed us out into the street. They started to get more intense and desperate sounding, and everyone was losing their rag by then. I had learnt how to say 'go away' in russian so I was shouting that at them. I just wanted them somewhere else.

They realised we were all angry at them, so started swearing at the girls and even chucked a rock at our leader dude. He then had to chase them for a bit. They eventually got the message left us alone.

But then as I looked out the window on the bus I watched these three boys. They each pulled out small plastic bays. It took me a while to work out why, in fact it was only when the put these bags up to their faces and inhale did I realise they were sniffing glue.

8 year old boys.

As we pulled away I watched the ringleader stagger towards the smallest one and fall into his arms, off his head. The girls in the bus started crying. My brain couldn't even process what I'd just seen.

All I know is that shouldn't happen, and the fact I have no idea what to do.

This is an absence of justice, and you've got ask 'God, where are you? How does this into your perfect plan? You say you love these boys but you let this happen to them. How is that being a father?'

I've heard many an answer to these questions, some more philosophical then others, some just plain silly.

I have my own answer. I think these questions are dropped into our hearts because the only possible answer is you. If you don't do something, who will?

And then I hit the rock bottom reality and realise that I'm going to stop caring about those questions, and they will fade and give way to the questions I have about the miniscule injustices in my own life.

And that's why I have to keep feeling a great sense of incompletion and dissatisfaction within myself, the a huge groan and stretch in my soul, a spurring on to lean forward with becoming who I'm supposed to be.

Guess who's back. Back again...

2005-08-16T18:05:00.000Z

Woah.

This feels really really strange.

Once again I'm on the old blog machine and that's cool.

Boy am I rusty! Reading back now, I missed you guys, and geez, and an ear suck sounds darn good to me.

I will talk about the Ukraine in depth soon. I'm just waiting for some photos at the moment, but let me tell you I've got a lot to write about. Heaps. I feel pretty emotionally drained at the moment, I don't know where my home is anymore, or where I want it to be - all I can think of right at this minute is the fact that I want to be back in the Ukraine with the most amazing people in the world.

But I know now who I want to be. I'll talk about that some other time, when I'm not floating in the twilight zone. Right now I'll just leave you with an extract from my journal on the first day there.

'Because we got there so late last night, and there were no street lights, it was really dark and I couldn't see what kind of place this was. It looked like a villa. How wrong I was. Me and Mike (my 70 year old room mate) stepped out of the apartment to see graffiti, broken tiles, smashed windows, unkept gardens and poverty everywhere. I couldn't believe where I was. I've never seen such a gross display of poverty with my own eyes, and have never been amongst it in my life. It made me so sad, and instantly I felt guilty for my possessions and all that I was wearing, when everyone around me had next to nothing. And the lady we're living with gives us everything she has, even though she really has nothing. It's made me grateful for everything. Walking to the church today was like walking through a ghost town - one crumbling block of grey flats surrounded my bleakness after another. One of the saddest sights was seeing two middle aged women searching through rubbish skips. It's going to be an interesting stay.'

I think it's safe to say I feel changed by these two weeks. Most likely Funky Slippers will follow suit.

Thanks for reading.

2005-08-01T22:00:00.000Z

I'm in the Ukraine.
That means I can't blog at all

because computers are still a few hundred years away over there.
That means I won't be here for two weeks, so don't hold your breath.
Check back on the 16th. I'll have some more audioblogs, never-before-seen pictures of my ass

and an exclusive interview with none other than Mr Humanity Critic.
I will miss you.

And I love you all.

_______________

The Oracle Of Awesome Wisdom

2005-07-31T14:55:00.000Z

Today, like everyday, I crawled into the computer room, opened up Funky Slippers, laughed at the comments you guys wrote, checked all the blogs down my side bar (you guys suck at updating!) and then started writing.

For those of you that didn't know, I'm sorry to spring this on you, but I'm going to the Ukraine on Tuesday. For fourteen whole days.

It sounds like it's gonna be a bit of an emotional workout - no showers, no network coverage, the toilets are a hole in the ground, stinking hot weather, food that makes you feel like you're gonna spew, and flights in untrustworthy planes. Worst of all, no access to the internet.

Right on! Just try and hold me back!

I spose it's all about living life though. And that's another country I can tick off on the list of places that I've been to (which is quite a few).

I have been appointed the king of music for the trip, and by that I mean the guy who plays guitar because he's the only one that has one, and by that I mean somebody else who's better than me will take it and play instead. Not because I kick ass at guitar. Because I don't.

I'm leaving at an interesting time in blog land. I got my first review the other day, which is strange 'cause I still don't know who the person was at all. They gave me 94% which I should be pretty happy about I guess, and said that 'It's all about the content. It's chuck full of pictures, and lot's of heart felt text.'

'Cause y'no, when I was talking about our pets eating us, that was straight from the heart.

I also got my first bit of fan mail, so that made my day. Thanks - you know who you are.

And another plus, my dad reads my blog... and likes it! He says my blogs better than all of yours. Guts for you 'cause my dad knows everything and he's always right.

Oh and a newsflash: my ego has reportadly gone throught the roof after all the female attention I got from the fantastic posts. I think I need more people to say stuff like this in the comments section: I cannot believe my big frog eyes. The things you say just seem to make me puke. That was real nice by the way.

Margot shot a question my way the other day: Completely off the point, I know, but where are these 'funky slippers'? Or is this some trans-atlantic term that has nothing to do with slippers? Do you have an opinion on pyjamas?

Nothing to do with any trans-atlantic shindig I'm afraid. I could've made up some unbelievable far-fetched story about the name, but truth be told, I went to a remote part of the Amazon Jungle last November and stayed with a small indiginous tribe. I quickly learnt their language and became the counseller for all the females in the tribe, doing sessions through the evenings. With time I became renowned through the Jungle and amongst all it's inhabitants as a Guru of some sort, but unfortunately the translation was skewed as I tried to make up a kick ass name for myself. I wanted to be called 'The Oracle of Awesome Wisdom', but 'The Guru of Funky Slippers' was born. I should've taken a dictionary with me.

Pyjamas? Burn them. Sleep naked. That's what I told all the tribal women to do... I mean... uh oh.

I'm gonna need post of the day now to save my ass again...

Post Of The Day.

A hip hop and a switch to the foot.

2005-07-30T16:28:00.000Z

Woah. I'm all like ohmygiddyauntimsoexciteditscomingitscomingitsnearlyhere!

It better get the appreciation it deserves. Or I'll be there to sort you out.

But it's wet-your-pants exciting and it's been a long time in the making and from what I've heard it'll be the best so far and I sure better get my reserved copy or somebody's gonna pay.

Keep this date in your minds: the 13th of September, If you don't know what this date represents yet, shame on you - give yourself a thwack round the earhole.

That's right, we've only got 6 weeks left to wait until 'Nothing is Sound' arrives - the new musical masterpiece of Switchfoot (aka the best band in the world - yes, even better than Busted).

I've been listening to the little naughty album preview track here, and I shouldn't have because now my appetite is wetter than an english summer. It sounds like a much darker record, a bit more grunt to it - less poppy than their clean cut days. And the lyrics are possibly even more in your face and thought provoking, which is the main reason that I like Switchfoot so much.

I even grew my hair because of them. Still catchin' up with Jon Foreman I think.

Switchfoot are real. They're honest introspectively and the lyrics come from the heart, but at the same time, they're not afraid to point out what's wrong with the world. They're not worried about offending people by pulling up the things we're so desensitized to. Like the attitudes that we need to get rid of towards society, beliefs, sex and especially ourselves. Besides that, their music is good too, which is always a plus in my book.

I remember the first time I heard '24' I cried. And I'm a big manly man, so that's saying something. 'The Beautiful Letdown' is almost a description of a chapter in life, and 'Let That Be Enough' not only got me a little fan club in my last year of college (I'll explain some other time), but also helped me through some real tough times. So in a way I feel like I owe Switchfoot something, even if it's just a thankyou.

'Cause I like my hair now.

If you've never come across these San Diego boys before, keep an eye out. They are an outrageously under-appreciated band, and I know a good amount of people that their music has impacted. So I'm pluggin' away because I don't want anyone to miss out.

And if you don't know about this yet, here's an early Christmas present for you - the full version of one of their new songs, Stars.

If anyone asked me what my ideal job would be, I would remove the pipe from my mouth and would say in a scholarly-like manner,'My dear friend, I would do what Switchfoot are doing.' I dig these guys because they're living my dream without compromising what they believe.

Sam my good chap, what do they believe?

Read this.

Tom Cruise Blog. - This is the funniest thing I've seen in a long long time.

Mr Not-So-Fantastic

2005-07-28T12:22:00.000Z

'Hi bro.
You said a couple of blogs ago you had only done 2 serious blogs and now that is all you are doin. But they hav been really cool. You say how to be the perfect guy but they are all things for wen u have got the girl and not b4 so mayb u need to think bout that.'

Ok Mr Bobby Grant. Let me show you how good I am with the ladies. I've always tried to follow the three golden girl rules. And they are:

Never make fun of a girl's
1) Hair
2) Body
3) Clothes

But I always fail. In fact I'm terrible with my sensitivity towards chicks in general. So let's do this post Humanity Critic stylie. Without names, because I know for a fact that some of the girls I talk about here read this. Who am I kidding? Everyone reads my blog. What's up George Bush! Anyway, for your benifit let's go through the biggest reasons why I am an absolute egg when it comes to girls.

1) I deserve a dunce cap for noticing when a girl is interested. My good friend Patrick Kelly (who needs to start a blog now) always tells me I'm bad, in fact probably the worst at picking up on a-little-bit-more-than-platonic friendliness. I just don't see it. And that gets me into heaps of trouble. In my last year of college, I started becoming really good mates with this girl. Shee seemed like awesome fun and a friend who really cared about me. So I was stoked with my new friendship with her. But then I started getting a few other girls tell me off for leading her on. I was like 'What???? Shut up! She would never go for someone like me!' Turns out she did. And there was heaps of wierdness after that. And I had to push her away a few times. Not fun. I hate being harsh. You gotta be real careful with boy/girl relationships.

2) I am a coward. When I like a girl, I will become good mates with her if I can, but I will never ever tell her how I feel. It's way too awkward for my liking. So it ends up looking like I'm an immature dumbass who has been doing the same thing since primary school, and the gal finds out through people telling her 'Oooooh Sam liiiiikes you.' It gets worse from there, and I go all shy. My lack of being able to verbalise my feelings has meant that I've missed out on an opportunity with a girl I really liked too. Dayum I'm an idiot.

On the other side of being a coward, I'm renowned for taking a relationship with a girl up to the point of considering going out with eachother, and then running away, totally smashing any hopes she had. Last year I got a real earful from a good friend of mine for doing that to her. For some reason she's still got me in line for her future husband though, so I can't be all bad.

3) I am officially the worst communicator in the world. This kinda ties in with the last point. Girls, as everyone knows, like to talk. In fact sometimes the trick is to be able to get them to shut up. They talk about everything, and when they don't like something about me, they're never afraid to tell me about it. There was this one time when a girl told me I was ignoring her and I thought I was now 'too cool' for her. In front of everybody. I was stunned to say the least - for one thing I know that I'm just a regular dumbass, and plus, I thought we'd just drifted for a bit, like some friendships do. It happens! But anyway, I would never be able to confront someone like that, and believe it or not that's a problem. When I don't like something about a girl (even if I'm going out with them) I'll just close up and maybe avoid eye contact. They have to probe me and probe me to find out what's wrong and by that time, everything's ruined. I could've all been fixed if I'd just expressed my dislike in the first place...

4) I suck up attention when I see it. Ok, this is a biggie. When I actually do spot a girl giving me more time than I deserve, regardless of whether I like them or not, whether they're ugly or really annoying, I always keep them hoping. Somebody needs to kick my ass for this. It goes back to an insecurity of me not wanting to be the cause of anyone's discomfort - I don't want them to look at me and think 'I liked him once but then found out he was a jerk.' So, to stop my perfect image that they have of me from being tainted, somehow, I always make 'em believe there's a light at the end of a tunnel, when really I'm just waiting for them to get bored of me.

5) I fall for girls way too easily. It can happen in an instant, and sometimes by the time I realise that they're not actually as good as their cover, I've given them the green light. I remember a while back my friend introduced me to her friend that I'd heard her talk about for months. When we met, I decided straight away that she was pretty cool and within two hours of us knowing eachother, people were asking whether we were an item. Not that I minded of course, and it was pretty clear that the feelings were mutual. However, I got to know her over the next little while, and she seemed pretty attatched (even sleeping with my sweatshirt!) but I knew that this was a dumb idea. And it hurt both of us when I said no to it all.

So my good friend, if I had tips, I would definately give them to you. But truth be told, I'm a moron and only know as much as the next guy when it comes to getting a girl to like me. I've messed things up royally so all I have to show for myself is not tips or any 'shortcuts to a woman's heart', but just a handful of mistakes and personality faults that have gotten me nowhere fast.

The best advice I can give, is simply don't settle for second best. Don't go for the first pretty girl you get friendly with but just be patient. Make the most of your singleness while you have it, keep time to not be tied down. And from what I've been told, when she comes along - you'll know dude.

Yours sincerely,

The World's Biggest Dumbass

Post Of The Day - Ludo wants your vote!

Females are Fantastic.

2005-07-26T13:38:00.000Z

In all my 18 wild years on this amazingly beautiful yet royally messed up planet, I have known some awesome ladies. I have known some top females, some cool chicks, some slick babes, wicked women, girls I give the thumbs up.

I have known girls all over the world, been mates with hundreds of 'em and even had the privelage to date a few.

I don't get this whole 'battle of the sexes' thing sometimes, because ok sure, we are the stronger sex, but we got the basics guys. C'mon.

For one thing, we need to give our female counterparts the respect they deserve. We got it easy, we don't have to deal with periods, wearings bras, stretch marks, hormones off the ricter scale, let alone pregnancy. The only thing we got to worry about is PMS especially when it's directed at us. Geez. Never work in an office entirely of females.

I don't understand it when some idiots treat girls like pieces of meat. I tried imagining myself as a girl the other day to see if I would feel different. Although I reckoned it would feel wierd not to have certain...um.. things, I concluded girls must be pretty emotionally strong. 'Cause we give them all subconcious marks out of ten in our heads. I've caught myself doing it heaps and had to beat my ass down for doing it too. But to have the pressure to look good all the time, to know that all the popular girls are popular because of their looks - I couldn't take that!

Ladies how do you take that?

'Cause I know for a fact that girls a far more concerned with what's inside of us guys than we are with them. I never feel pressurised to look sharp. I never go out the house looking my best. I'm not even sure I have a best. As you probably guessed I really don't care about my hair, as long as it's out my eyes.

But guys, you gotta appreciate the fact that girls make an effort for us. Not just special occassions, I mean all the time.

Girls kick ass.

And no, shut your mouth I'm not doing this to get chicks. I wear boxers on the outside to get chicks.

I'm just saying that girls are really special. All the girls that I've been friends with - I'm telling ya, their husbands/partners/whatever are gonna be lucky men.

A distinct pattern in my life that I've found and my darling mother always used to mock me for is the fact that I've always been friends with way more girls than guys. I find girls easy to talk to because they are generally more open about their feelings, and most of the time all they want is someone to listen. And I can listen all day long, it's cool. I just find them so interesting, the way they complicate things. The way they get all worried about the fact that I haven't texted them all day, and they think it's because they acted wierd last night and now I'm angry - when actually it's because I was too lazy and can't even remember what they said. Geez.

I think that's what's made me into the amazing, caring, sensitive, loving guy I am today... ha.

I can't wait to find that one awesome girl that'll be all mine. I mean they're all cool but this one will be totally rad, like will completely beat down Katie Holmes' ass for good, and it'll be like 'So long American Girl, sorry it didn't work out, but this one's a keeper!'

I might be getting just a little bit too on the emo/queer side here, but I think the most valuable thing that we young men could ever get hold of is a woman's heart.

You want some tips from the girl Guru, guys? I got one emailed to me a couple a weeks ago by a pretty awesome girl.

"Find a guy who calls you beautiful instead of hot, who calls you back when you hang up on him, who will stay awake just to watch you sleep. Wait for the guy who kisses your forehead, who wants to show you off to the world when you are in your sweats, who holds your hand in front of his friends, Wait for the one who is constantly reminding you of how much he cares about you and how lucky he is to have you. Wait for the one who turns to his friends and says, "...that's her."

JUST BE THAT GUY.

I'm pretty sure it can't be as simple as that...

I'm making no sense!

Abort! Abort! Quick, emo crap everywhere, and Fantastic Four had no story line! Plus Johnny Storm is nearly as arrogant as I am! Run for your lives!

Anyone seen post of the day? Que post of the day! Now! Do it do it do it do it!

Post Of The Day - Meet Jess

Finally. Geez.

Growing Pains

2005-07-24T15:49:00.000Z

Maybe some day I'll grow up and drag the blog with me. Maybe one day I'll start writing about stuff that actually matters instead of oh I dunno, my exams, Megaman, or my appreciation of Katie Holmes - not to mention the performance in my last post.

I have been serious in this blog (and it makes me smile whenever I remember) only twice.

I mean arguably I'm not even 19 yet - I'm still a baby in the eyes of the bloggers I admire most, but I've only gotta look over to my pals Tash, Cam, Lietch, Jacob and Robbie to see that it can be done.

The worst bit is that one of my pet insecurties is that I hate to feel like I'm the village clown - that I'm just the one everyone laughs at and doesn't take seriously. I like to hold the belief that there's a lot more to me, and that I go a little bit deeper than the yellow cape and underwear. Surely everyone's gotta have at least that much self respect right?

And so whenever anyone comments something like 'you are sooooooo wierd', I understand that I've given them seven months worth of reasons to say that, but at the same time there's a voice in my head that's asking me 'is this the reputation you want?'

And then I pay it to shut up.

The more I think about it, this is actually quite a relevant thinking platform for where I'm at at the moment. Because, as you know, I'm still very much at the crossroads when it comes to pretty much everything in my life right now. I'm really undecided what I'm doing, where I'm doing it, and when. I'm having to ask myself HUGE questions like 'Who do you really wanna be?' and 'What do you really want?' And the scary thing is, I've had 18 years to think about those questions and I still can't even work it out.

Maybe college and the whole education system fixed my brain into position with the thinking that I make a small study decision and go with it. Which is kinda why I left the free land. So I could make decisions like this.

But, as it tends to go in life, it all seems easy until you're thrown in the deep end and prayin' to God you can keep swimming forward.

Anyway, I don't want any sympathy or advice because I know what I gotta do, it just takes time to figure myself out. And I know I joke around and bend the truth on here for a few good laughs like my love of American Girl, there's one thing that I know is completely serious:

I'm in the deep end, but not on my own, and He's got me this far.

So watch my little boat with it's sails too big
Hold it -don't let it drift away
I've seen my anchor break and been the one to let it go
But I'm not sailing on my own anymore

Post Of The Day - Heather writes better poetry than me.

From the depths of my mind

2005-07-22T13:18:00.000Z

It's interesting because in these few days that I've been a little sick puppy fitted with an inflatable neck brace, nothing but a dressing gown, on the couch watching music channels and feeling my outrageously long hair just getting greasier and greasier, I've let my mind just take me places.

Ibuprofin makes me feel hot and floaty and I swear it does something to my imagination gland so my mind goes to some screwed up places I'll tell ya that much.

Y'see when I walked under a tree in my drugged up state and saw a squirrel, I stopped, got all wide eyed and contemplated the fact that this little nut hugger was scared of me.

So we just stared at eachother for a bit.

And then I realised, at any second this rodent could lose all fear and get real angry at the fact that this white boy has dominion over him and jump down and scratch my eyes out. And then I thought, what if there was a world wide animal revolution, they just all snapped out of it and gave us humans the 'no more mister nice guy'?

We'd have old women in their homes being knawed by their little terriers, parrots chasing little children round their rooms while they pecked and scratched at their heads, sniffer dogs would take their owners out for ten and go do weed on the airport conveyor belts and we would be running for our lives while Tim's frozen monkeys chucked rocks through our windows.

It would be like Jumanji all over again.

The poor RSPCA people who've strived to find the animals good homes would be rampaged by every animal under the sun while having 'You amputated my tail and gave me a vasectomy, ass!' barked at them. Eventually they would be 'put to sleep' for all their hard work.

I don't even want to talk about the police dogs. Dayum!

Still, the zoo's gotta be the clincher. If this happens in the next five months I have a chance being a few thousad miles away from the big dog I ran over on Christmas Eve (it's alright, he got up and ran away).

So, unappreciative people of planet earth, be nice to your pets, one day there might be something in the water that makes em get a little ticked off with yaw' ass.

And then my mind kept ticking over and I'm like woah that was pretty funny and then I was like woah us humans do it to eachother. We've been turning on eachother since Cain said 'bro, you're too cool for school' and sent Abel home.

We've developed torture methods, weapons of mass destruction (well, everyone but Iraq - ok no one but America), concentration camps, death serums and generally killing off mothers, fathers, sons, daughters, husbands and anyone left.

So maybe we shouldn't be suprised if our pets join the partay, because right now they are so punk rock, going against the flow of us humans. The most I ever got from my dog was a bite on the nose for blowing in her face.

Yeah my dog rules.

Please, people get on the wagon and fight for justice here! Anybody, everybody, anonymous or shameless, if you know her or not - we cannot lose the motherblog!

Rapid Eye Movement

2005-07-20T16:57:00.000Z

Seeing as Hat's been blogging her little hiney off about me lately, I thought it would be a little unkind not to return the favour in some way.

So Hat, I wrote a kickass poem for you

0 Harriet, Harriet, Harriet
If my blog proposed would you marry it?
Oh yeah you like to be called Hat
I guess I'll get a slap for that
Just like you always do
Whenever I'm in a ten metre radius of you
And because I can make some noise
A hip hop a hip a hippy to the hip hip hop
And you don't stop
Don't stop
Check it, one time, yeah, uh, uh, uh.

My poetry's going nowhere these days.

And plus I discovered that I'm the worst superhero ever. I bought the new REM best of, was walking out the shop and some kid I'm pretty sure I've never seen shouts out from somewhere behind me 'Megaman!' and then a whole bunch of other kids did the same thing. So much for the ever important secret identity.

And plus, Staceyland is reportadly closing down.

And plus I have tonsilits for the fourth time this year. In fact I can hardly type - I'm shaking like a polaroid picture.

And I want my mother.

Who happens to be on the other side of the world.

And there's no one in the house but me. Everyone's on holiday. So all I have is you guys.

And before I go back to my hole, I just wanna say a big HAPPY BIRTHDAY to my old pal Dawson - I love you girl! It's true, the rumour that I stole her Starbucks virginity.

And I think she liked it.

Post Of The Day - Tim likes monkeys.

I shivvied up an audioblog man!

2005-07-18T12:56:00.000Z

This is history in the making. I flippin' audioblogged man. It's wierd. VERY strange. But heck, it's my voice and I like my voice, and maybe those that haven't heard it before will like my voice too. Click the shivvy underneath.

Post Of The Day - Chucky gets deep.

Shivvy this post why don't ya

2005-07-16T01:35:00.000Z

It's 1:04am on Saturday morning, and I'm sweltering hot in front of this stupidly bright computer screen. Let's try half an hour with yours truly. Starting now.

Go!

I just did the mutha of all yawns.

Y'no for once, for the first time ever I've run out of juice on this blog. I mean, I have other posts written but I'm too scared to put them up 'cause I know people will get angry and I'll get haters. So I thought now I've run out of any ideas, I'd post about that. I mean, as they say, if you've got an elephant in the room when you're trying to write, it's pretty hard to write about anything else other than the elephant. Or something.

1:09am and time is running away ever so quickly. How punk rock can I make this?

Totally punk rock. I mean, Xen's poo was pretty punk rock, and wrecking my own exams was punk rock. Except I didn't know my mum reads my blog so I got in the crap for posting them. Sorry mum. Sorry for saying crap.

I'm so sleepy I even think, you, Jacob Sawyer, are punk rock. And you, and you. I just like to link people. Here you go. It's like handing out lollies to a crowd of children. Oooooooh don't even get me started on kids. You just got me started on kids!

1:13am And I'm getting started on kids.

I do this thing called breakfast club on Monday and Wednesday mornings. I go have breakfast with primary school kids, just hang out n stuff. But sometimes they annoy me so much. I get up early to do it, so I'm tired, and anyone that knows me will know I don't do mornings.

And these kids, run up and smack me in the back, jump on me, punch me, get me to constantly play the same Jack Johnson song on guitar over and over, and for some reason think I kick ass at beat boxing, and start hitting me when I stop. It's like an hour long migrane.

Ok, so it's not that bad, but I'm slipping away into the twilight zone here, so I'm allowed to be a little dramatic.

1:17am and I'm trying for an Oscar.

It seems people in high places are beginning to recognise the power of blogging. There certainly was huge blog support for the LIVE 8 shindig, and bloggers are getting paid to blog all over the place, and there are even blogs written on behalf of politicians n stuff.

So I'm thinkin' right - you and me sittin' here by our computers actually have a bit of power, through this 'thought harvesting' idea. Our opinions get read and then people take 'em on board and you get thoughts from real people everywhere. I reckon we should use this to our advantage to change this world.

1:22 and I need some dramatic music

Or we could just spread opinions that we don't actually mean, but people who take blogs too seriously will take on board. That would be hilarious. If every blog stated that 'Netball should be banned as it is a gross display of humanity, and I wouldn't want my kids watching it, let alone wanting to participate in such proceedings' some stupid ass may take us seriously and netball would be outlawed.

Actually, yeah, who's with me? I'm like the Braveheart of the net. The World Wide Web William Wallace. If you're with me, copy and paste that sentence somwhere on your next blog post for the heck of it.

1:27 and I'm getting a runny nose and beginning to realise why I don't post tired. I'm gonna regret writing this in the morning.

Hey - you guys! In New Zealand! Do ya miss me? I never hear from you!

If you're a visitor, on Funky Slippers for the first time, I'll understand if you never come back.

Let's try and write some haiku.

I'm going to explode
When I drink some gasoline
And eat a match

I just want to get out of this chair
Go to the zoo
And steal a monkey

Ima kill you anonymous commentor guy
Coz Ima gangsta yo
And you hitting on Ashliiiiiii

Once I farted in a friend's car
She was driving and had to pull over twice to chuck up
True Story

1:32 and my haiku sucks and it's time to finish

I guess I should end by apologising, but hopefully it's struck a chord with someone. I'm going to be so embarrassed when I read this tommorow.

I'd just like to say that I'm institutionalizing the word 'Shivvy' for me. It's a verb for anything and a replacement for thing.

Like 'Shivvy over here and gimme the shivvy.'

Too bad if it's already a word.

Finders keepers.

1:34am and we're home. What a ride.

Talk of the Jedi

2005-07-12T23:34:00.000Z

(Ring Ring) Hi Sammy, are you still mad at me?

Yes.

Well at least you're talking to me.

I'm not talking to you. This is a bloggy dialogue. It's very difficult to have a bloggy dialogue with just one person.

I'm sure you could figure it out, I always knew you were an amazing writer.

Flattery, in this case Elisha, will get you nowhere.

Well this is a first.

Hey, I'm the hurt party here.

If I remember clearly, you were the one who told me to go get married.

Yeah but I didn't mean it.

I asked, you shunned. So what's with the change of heart?

I watched 'The Girl Next Door' again. You are a beautiful girl Elisha Cuthbert. You shouldn't ever settle for second best.

Trace is second best?

Put it this way, at least I'm not going to marry someone I don't even know.

I do know him, Sam. Stop being so jealous. And I love him. We're going to be happy forever.

I give it a year.

Stuff you Sam. I can't believe I used to have a thing for you.

Would it help if I dressed up as Megaman?

That's not funny at all.

You're so predictable. Go for some pretty famous boy. It's just the same as you going and marrying... I dunno... Tony Blair.

Tony Blair is married Sam.

Exactly, so that means... y'no what? Forget it. I don't ever wanna see you again. Don't call me, text me, email me, and don't write. Keep your carrier pigeons and smoke signals and messenger boys.

I've noticed you don't blog about me anymore. I'm not on your blog at all now.

And I have rubbed you from my heart.

I can never tell when you're joking or not.

It's my dark talent.

Ever heard of the boy who cried wolf?

Yeah he got a sore throat and died.

You suck.

Heartbreaker.

Egocentric.

Try hard doll face.

Shorty.

Why are you so bitter and mean?

I'm not, I'm in love.

Go marry your fat Peter Jackson wannabe.

(click).

Post Of The Day - The genius is back.

Beyond words.

2005-07-10T16:45:00.000Z

What a strange week England's had.

The best concert ever, then the olympics grant, the huge shock of the London bombings, and then of course the G8 meeting, resulting in $30 Billion worth of aid. Quite a historical week really.

I think it would be pretty dumb of me not to talk through the London bombings. Let's make no mistake - it's a huge deal. At least with September 11th it felt like it was far away from these shores, and there seemed to be at least some reason (even if it was a misinformed reason) to attack America. There have been plenty of conspiracies involving secret deals concerning JFK and the Al Quaeda, and George Bush and his war mongering may have angered the wrong people. Besides that, America are the infidel.

But I don't understand why London would be targetted, especially at this time. Especially while the G8 Summit is in progress, working to supply aid for millions of dieing people. If this attack was based on the loose and slowly deteriorating allegiance between Tony Blair and Uncle George, then quite frankly, that is a dumb reason.

No, I personally feel this was just a down the line terrorist attack. A heartless attempt to kill hundreds of people and and plunge the nation into fear.

Who would do that?

I know everyone has their own story, of how they heard the news, and how they felt - but here's mine. I got scared. Real scared. London is just down the road. So for those in England - that could've been any of us sitting at the back of that double decker bus, or waiting for our train at any of the stations. That's how much of a big deal it is. We hear this kind of stuff going on in Iraq all the time, and mindlessy change the channel. But it's a real smack in the head when it's on your doorstep.

So as I walked through Brighton, where there had just been a bomb scare at my train station a couple of hours after the news, and as I watched the footage in a street TV shop, I thought about how fragile life is. How the agetated man sitting next to me on the train could have something more than his lunch in his bag. How nowhere is safe anymore.

How one moment you could be worried about where you're going to go with your life, and the next you have no life to worry about.

How this world is such a mess. How much I want to change it. How little I can really do.

Fear like this motivates me. It makes me realise the impotance of doing what really matters with the time I have. And to be mindful of the things that matter.

And makes me realise how much my bad mood right now doesn't matter, because I still have a whole bunch of days to live, and those 50 not so lucky people caught in the wrong places at the wrong time don't.

But do you know what makes me scared the most?

I don't know where those not so lucky people are now.

Those who wait to turn to God at the eleventh hour, die at 10:30.

Jose can't you see

2005-07-04T22:57:00.000Z

Happy Independance Day y'all.

I was gonna do a long ranting post about why I thought indendance day was (as the english would put it) a load of trollop. I was gonna complain about the fact that Americans are so far up themselves that they dedicate a day to when they became their own nation. The day where Englishmen turned against Englishmen to become America.

Traitors.

Yeah, that's right, we want our own free land that allows polygamy and the torturing of Indians.

'Gimme 5 wives - I'm American!'

I was gonna say the only good thing about 'Star Spangled Banner' is the Jimi Hendrix solo version, combined with guitar sounds mimicking rifles and war, celebrating a country dedicated to preaching peace and practising killing.

God bless America.

I was gonna be a jerk to America and it's ego, but tonight I'm in a good mood.

And this is why. Thankyou Toby Cooke. You are a dude.

Well, until Saturday - keep well y'all.

I am the Guru of Funky Slippers

2005-07-03T20:28:00.000Z

Yeah, I know it's a bit of a cop out post, but my mum sent my final exams from last year over a while ago. It's 'cause I made her do it. It's because I didn't want her to open it and find what was inside.

Below you'll find my full Hamlet essay, and two pages of my geography exam. Basically, I just ran out of time, so I thought I'd try to entertain the examiner. And yes, I know, it has nothing on Tim's legendary Chemistry exam.

Click on the pictures and enlarge them in the new window to get the whole flavour. I'm actually pretty proud of my rhyming skills in the poem.

Something I nearly spewed over - Courtesy of my pal Stacee.

Batman Begins vs War of the Worlds

2005-07-02T17:54:00.000Z

This lovely couple, fake or not have just got engaged. Coincidentally within the same fortnight as both of their premieres. So was all the fuss worth it? Let's put them head to head.

War of the Worlds
Starring Dakota Fanning, Tim robbins, oh yeah and Tom Cruise
Directed by Steven Spielberg

Tom's making himself out to be some sort of psycho at the moment, like he's officially lost it. Maybe it's because he's in love, or worse, maybe it's because he's pretending he's in love. Or maybe he's going through some sort of mid life crisis due to the fact of having to play a dad with a teenage son, despite looking pretty good for his age (56).

Maybe he's turned wierd because he really believes that the aliens are coming down to eat us.

Maybe it's because the general public doesn't like the fact that he smells of Katie Holmes.

Well, anyway this movie isn't half bad. Dakota Fanning is outageously annoying, and Tom doesn't seem to have any heart, and when he begins to show any sign of sensitivity, it's in short, overacted bursts. However, because it's Tom Cruise, we forgive him. The aliens are great. Ugly as anything. I got shivers whenever the huge booming sound of the alien's roar ripped across the movie. Sci Fi films don't usually make me jump, but because of all of the out-of-the-blue cars falling from the sky and lazer shots, it made it pretty fun. Thing is, the scary bits got a kinda repetitive, so I just ended up getting stressed out, not scared. The slow bits provided a relief.

Still, I give this movie two thumbs up.

Tom Cruise: still talking to Aliens

Batman Begins
Starring the one and only Katie Holmes, and Christian Bale as the man in black, with a little bit Michael Caine thrown in on top.
Directed by Christopher Nolan

Katie's choice in men may have been a little bit questionable lately, but she's a great pick for the leading lady. I mean come on, I may be a little biased here - I want to marry her, but she did good. She's not just the cute Joey from Dawson's Creek anymore, she's still that, but with more of a lady like quality. You'll see what I mean when you watch it.

Basically, what Nolan did, was hit it on the head with this movie. It's the Bat flick everyone's been waiting for since Adam West busted out in his comic baggy cotton suit with Robin and his little yellow speedos. It's dark, Batman's a post-samurai and a believable character - and the audience actually wants to hit the bad guy, Scarecrow, played perfectly by Jonathan Crane.

Christian Bale is Batman, this Bruce Wayne actually has a personality and he gives Batman a more animal like side to him. Class.

Plus, wait til' you see the Batmobile. Dayum!

So, the verdict? Well, of course with War of the World having Tom Cruise in it, and missing his better half Katie Holmes, it always meant Batman had the edge. It's more of a story, and great to see Batman take shape.

Go see both? Good thinkin' Batman.

Post Of The Day - My first guest post.

The Long Walk To Justice

2005-07-01T10:54:00.000Z

I've gotta make some big decisions over the next little while.

Working for the JLE this year has been real cool. I'm really getting a lot out of it and would sure like to do this as a job.

But what country to live in next year?

I love it over here, I feel like I'm really being put to good use. But at the same time, back home there's the band and the beach and old mates and a pool and higher education.

You should not have to make desicions like choosing a country to live in when you're 18. That's just crazy.

There are a few things that put me off New Zealand - like Paul Holmes, the amount of South Africans, the lack of American Girl and having to push so many girls away, the attention became quite overwhelming. That's why I had to move. I'm way more famous for my music and rockstardom in New Zealand than over here. But I'm working on it.

You would have thought that being over here, I would have made the most of all the good things that this country has to offer. And I'm talking about things along the lines of Annie Lennox, Coldplay, Dido, Elton John, Joss Stone, Keane, The Killers, Ms Dynamite, Paul McCartney, Pink Floyd, Razorlight, REM, Robbie Williams, Scissor Sisters, Snow Patrol, Stereophonics, Sting, Travis, and the U2 extravaganza.

All in one concert.

I cannot understand why I didn't even try to get hold of a ticket for the Live 8 concert in Hyde Park. It's gonna be part of history. Quite possible the best show on earth to date. Seven and a half hours of the best bands on earth.

I mean U2 on their own - you've got a gig I wouldn't miss. But then you throw in Coldplay and you're already thinking 'Sam, what's wrong with you?' That's of course regardless of bands like Pink Floyd and REM. Was I even paying attention to anything?

Bummer.

But was New Zealand on the Live 8 list? No it wasn't. Does New Zealand have a free health service? No it sure doesn't. My crazy pills cost 80 bucks a time. Now they're free. Does anyone actually know that New Zealand isn't part of Australia? No they sure don't. Is the only reason people know or even care about New Zealand because of Lord Of The Rings? You betcha.

Have I got the slighest inkling of which country to perch in next year? You gotta be kidding.

Post Of The Day - Courtesy of Miss Dawson

Twenty Minutes With Sam Burrows

2005-06-28T12:44:00.000Z

Welcome to the show, lovingly described as an attempt 'to mix apathy with some sort of defunct version of post rebelliousness.' Welcome to the 'severe epiphany'. And becuase I am now an acclaimed near genius, it's only right that I get the top guests on here. Today is no exception. I was lucky enough to find time to interview someone special yesterday.

Ladies and gentlemen, please warmly welcome our special guest, and star of of the 'Rate Xen's Poo' website, and the brains (or lack of) behind the cult classic beat-yourself-up-with-the-side-of-a-shed video 'Zackass' -
Mr Xen Herd!

Applause.

Thankyou Sam, lookin' sharp.

As always my friend! You doin' good?

Nod.

I have to get this question out the way first, what on earth did you eat to get that famous green poo?

Well Sam, like most things in life it's a combination of hard work and talent. You see in order to create the green poo, my own personal favourite, I had to go through a day of rigeruos green ice pop eating, my poo was then able to absorb the toxins into my albino bloodstream to create a luberous coloured poo. As you can tell, I've done my research. I got a PHD (Poo Hindering Diaphragm).

Right. Of course. Do you find that your talent in the areas of excrement attracts the ladies?

Of course Sam, women obviously find my primal, manly and uniquely large crap slightly off-putting. However, once they come to appreciate it as art, a whole new mutual understanding is established. In fact, I have been told by numerous women that found my sweetcorn turd rather seductive.

Yeah, I can see why - it truly is something that should be at the top of every man's envy list. Now, how do I word this... I've heard a rumour that you have a rather strange habit involving phlegm...

(Hesitation) Yes Sam. Yes I do. Y'see when you've got a lot phlegm at night, who wants to get up and get a tissue when you can wipe it on the wall next to you?

You mean to say you have a 'phlegm patch' on your wall?

That's right Sam. In fact, it's less of a patch and more of a wall. It's another example of my organic art as I make shapes out of my extra saliva.

No wonder the women are after you.

Well, actually I put a poster over that one when friends are round. Not much point doing that anymore now. Sorry ladies.

Indeed. Ok, well off your art, I want to know about your already budding acting and directing career. Tell me about Braindead Productions.

Well, Sam it started off as a try hard Jackass clone, which essentially is what it is. Me and my associates like to dress up in American Football outfits and take out people on crutches... in public. We also take out eachothers goolies.

But there's more to it isn't there?

No. Not really.

Oh.

...Well this is awkward.

Yup. So... what have you got planned for the future?

Well, now that my dad will let me use his grown up video camera, we can now produce a feature length motion picture of a japanese Kung Fu spoof involving a lot of blood, people getting kicked in the balls and of course some dodgey voice-over dubbing.

Sounds great! Well just to finish off, have you got anything to say to the viewers of Funky Slippers?

If you get a jar, and a load of black ants and red ants, they fight. To the death. Oh and Send your fan mail to xenherd@hotmail.com.

Xen flashes a smile for the Funky Slippers Camera

Applause.

Rate Xen's Poo!

The Official Home of Zackass

If This Is What You Want, Then Fire At Will

2005-06-25T19:00:00.000Z

I really like the fact that I have blue eyes and I'm left handed. Love it even.

Just like I love Jessica Scotcher, and Katie Holmes and of course American Girl. Just like I love my long hair. Just like I love Switchfoot, U2 and the way that I love My Chemical Romance's new album so much I can't seem to get it out of my cd player, let alone my head. Almost as much as I love Patrick Kelly, and as much as I would love his blog if he had one. I just have so much love.

But hey, what does being in love feel like? I mean, it's real easy to fall in like with someone, and that has happened many a time. But to step up and love a person, I wouldn't know. The longest I've ever been able to keep a girl is 3 months and 1 day.

Her name was Sarah, my name was Sam. We were 15. And she was my first serious girlfriend.

She was pretty, popular, one of those girls who were friends with everyone and had guys chasing behind. Plus she was my height.

And then there was me - short, kinda chubby, a crap haircut, struggling to deal with my immaturity. I was a loud mouthed jerk. And all you guys are wondering why I'm talking in the past tense. But the point I'm trying to make is, it was nothing short of a miracle that she went out with me.

It was awesome - she was the most awesome person ever maaaaaaaaan.

I bought her some kick ass expensive necklace for Christmas, and then flew to NZ for the holidays. I got back and she dumped me. And you know why I think she did? It's because I never kissed her with tongues man. How stink is that?

My heart got phunked.

So anyway, it ended and ask my mum, I was really upset and couldn't even look her in the face for weeks (Sarah that is). But I think that's the closest I've got to being in love.

I met up with Sarah the other day. We went and had chocolate. She said Sam, you still have your baby face and I was like, yeah what's with the half inch purple stud protruding from under your bottom lip? What's with the mowhawk? What's with you turning into a hardcore rock chick? You were the prettiest thing I ever saw!

Except I didn't say that. Instead I listened to her talk about Slipknot and mosh pits and Reading festival and all her dumb boyfriends lately. And she laughed at me spilling my hot chocolate everywhere, incuding onto my white shirt.

And now all I can hear inside my head is Slipknot's 'Duality' and I really like it.

Post Of The Day - Just one reason why I love Toby Cooke

Blogs get Chicks.

2005-06-22T13:01:00.000Z

Everybody say hi Jess. When people say 'There's more to Sam's blog. He isn't just doing it to get chicks' - they're lying. About 4 years ago me and Jess had a thing. My friend liked her for 5 years (starting from when he was about 8) and then I met her and sort of had a thing with her. Don't worry, I already asked if I could write lies about her on my blog and she said yes. I really liked Jess.

But she lived too far away and I was too short so it just didn't work in the end. Ask her and she will agree that it could have been beautiful.

So like, why do you blog?

I know some people do it cause of obligation, they feel 'well it's been goin' on long enough, I might as well keep sprayin' juice in the old sucker!' Others do it because they like people listening to what they have to say, or at least read what they're doing with their lives, even if it's as mundane as... well their lives. They like having it because it's their little piece on the internet, their little use of bandwidth taken up solely for them. Others do it so they can stir up arguments, sorry - I mean discussions on religious grounds that go from 'Mines better than yours!' to 'No your mamma!'. Others just take the Michael. Others try and be funny, and others are funny. Some people can't figure out what theor blog is supposed to be, so try and be funny and it just comes across as wierd.

People rip other people off, plagiarise all the time, cuss all the time, steal pictures, project someone totally different to who they are and then expect everyone else to think they're original. Others don't comment on other blogs and then wonder why their comments are empty. Others just go overboard and comment ALL the time on EVERYONE'S blogs and you're just like 'Dude, that's desperate behaviour! Just for that, no more comments for a week!' Some people don't blog for ages, then apologise, then do it again and apologise... 'Stop apologising - just blog!' Some lame asses even pretend to be famous people for attention. No one cares which member of Destiny's Child, or Pantera, or Hanson you are, and we sure as hell don't care what song you're listening to - just be real!

Welcome to the Blogosphere.

I've come to really dig this blog thing, and I feel like I've been getting good vibes from y'all. And I love the little community shindig we've got going down now, and if I keep talking like this I deserve a hiding. I like getting good feedback on stuff I write because it trains me in what makes people tick and what people think and most importantly what makes good writing. And that's really awesome.

My Blog is like my living room, and me having comments is like opening up my living room to everyone. You can talk about the stuff I wrote, say hey Sam and you'll get a lazy man salute, dish the love and that's all good man. But be a flamer and tell me my living room's a mess, urinate on my couch, and say I'm a dumbass is just.... dumb. Just like in real life. If you disagree with my living room, write about it on your own blog, buddy. Having to argue it's just so draining. That's why the last thing I want this blog to become is a debate forum. I just want it to be something people can read when they get in from wherever and know that I'm not serious.

Blogging has become more of a hobby for me. I think everyone should have one. And some people in particular should definately have blogs, but don't - and we're all missing out. I dunno. Shut up. No you shut up.

Now that just kicks ass.

2005-06-21T02:00:00.000Z

How wude! This morning a bumblebee decided to play chicken with my face. I lost - just as he pulled out of the way I did a mega ass flinch in front of a group of girls, who of course couldn't see the bee. So I just looked like a retard doing some screwed up spasm.

Tom Cruise. At his own premiere. In the middle of an interview about his 'War of the Worlds' movie.

And the legend of the reporter form Channel 4 decides to squirt him in the face with a water pistol!

The Clip

Learn to take a joke Tom.

And if that wasn't awesome enough for you, I mean me, Cruise then proceeds chastise this reporter, calling him ridiculous etceteraaaaaaaah etceteraaaaaaaaah.

I should give the guy a break, but Tom's face at the end, as he quite seriously calls the man 'a jerk' is priceless. He stares at him like he's about to fire a bullet through the Channel 4 guy's head. If I was that reporter, I would feel like the crap on Tom's shoe. For a short guy, he's actually pretty scary. I would want a pretty darn big hole to climb into.

I think I would feel almost as bad as I do now, now that it has been announced that Katie Holmes is now engaged to that big gay bear. Not only that, but she has also taken up scientology for his sake.

I never loved her anyway.

Post Of The Day

'Three Cheers for Sweet Revenge' - My Chemical Romance

2005-06-19T18:00:00.000Z

I love this album, it's intensity kicks the major ass. I feel I could let all my anger out, and be left with a warm fuzzy feeling at the end, just by singing along. You can almost feel the sweat and emo tears being squeezed out in every song. And they keep it going for the full thirty nine minutes.

This is the first emo band I've genuinely liked. And I like them a lot.

From the first phrase of 'Three Cheers...', the creepy "Long ago, just like the hearse you die to get in again, we are so far from you..." you're not really sure what you're listening to, it's kinda wierd - in a cool goth kinda way. 'Helena' eventually reveals itself as the best song on the album, a real anthem.

The rest of the album people may argue is pretty samey, but I like it because you don't have to concentrate, you feel like you're watching them live. We are taken through some real gems like 'I'm Not Okay' and 'The Jetset life is Gonna Kill You', and then dropped into the interlude, which if anything, serves as a nice breather from the onslaught, you know you aren't gonna be left there anyway.

Thus, we begin on the second half of the album, smacking straight into the riff of the next track, 'Thankyou for the Venom', and the screaming intro of 'Hang 'em High'.

I really like the way the lead singer, Gerard just screams on this album, not really paying too much attention to sounding pro, it sounds brutal. Like, you feel like you're listening to someone with an anger problem who's just had a bad day, and he got home, dropped his wallet in the gutter, the baby spits on his shirt and he finds an eviction note on his door. He starts to twitch in his right eye - and then he wastes himself on whisky. He then goes on stage to lead My Chemical Romance. He makes you believe he's angry.

The album seems to end really quickly. You're thinking, yeah I'm not sure if I can take the rest of the album, and then 'I Never told You What I do For a living' comes to a halt with 'Never again, they gave us two shots to the back of the head, now we're all dead.' And you think cool. That was a well spent 39 minutes. I didn't even realise they were punk until I read it on the net.

You also think I really wanna see these guys live if they sound like this on the CD.

I don't usually fall for a band straight away, but I definately suggest you check these guys out. Raw and loud.

I'm bad, I'm bad - really, really bad.

2005-06-16T17:58:00.000Z

Dear Mr Michael Jackson,

Not Guilty on every charge huh?

I actually stayed up the other night to see the verdict on your trial. I'm relieved for you I guess. You seem like too much of a girl to get thrown in the slammer.

I know it sounds bad, but there was a part of me that was really hoping that you would be proven guilty. I think if everyone was honest with themselves, it's a part of all of us. In our nature. Somewhere deep inside every one of our twisted selves we wanted to see you in the same prison as Charles Manson with a quarter inch head shave, and for the that to be the last time you used your 'Jesus Juice' on kids. I'm just being honest with you. It would've been quite exciting. A part of me only. Most of me was hoping there wasn't any evidence that would back up the claim that you did more that snooze with little boys.

In my eyes, you've awlays been just a very strange, confused, lonely and deranged man and an example of the victim becoming the victimizer. Although, that doesn't explain why you carved up your face. But hey, whatever.

I think what you need is to sell your rights to the 200 Beatles songs, which you don't need anyway, pay off your debt and find out who you are. Mikey, you're a human being like one of us, not above or below. We all have issues, yours are just more...well... in your face - so to speak. Go find the God who'll sort your issues for you. Take it from someone who's been there.

I got tonsilits again, for the third time this year. Life's not fair. And maybe if I'd gone to bed early and not stayed up to hear you're alright and see the doves fly off, then maybe I would've been okay. So I still blame you for something.

God Bless you, Michael Jackson.

Yours in awesomeness

Sam Burrows

The Ultimate Underwear Model

2005-06-14T17:12:00.000Z

Episode 3

I have no shame in putting this photo up. Superheroes never looked this good.

I mean, look at my undies - I am one hot, hot Superhero - you could probably burn a pizza black with my pinky finger alone, I'm that hot.

But as you all are probably well aware, there's more to being a legendary superhero than just looking good, not much - but you've gotta keep yourself looking useful.

So yesterday after a couple of weeks of procrastination (which better not become a habit when it comes to rescuing people in life threatening situations), I made my way to the Justice lounge for my evaluation.

The Justice Lounge is a suprisingly MAHOOSIVE building, kinda like a brother to the Taj Mahal, which is hard to believe, being just around the corner 'n all. So I walked through the force field, up the steps and burst open the huge double doors - using the force, just cause I could. And there before me at a long table, sat around one hundred old gentlemen. The biggest, ugliest, meanest one sat right at the head of the table. I coulda swore he was Paul Holmes.

Ah, Megamouse.

Excuse me?

What?

Pardon me?

Sorry?

No, it's Megaman. Geez you even talk like Paul Holmes.

Excuse me?

Never Mind.

We need to evaluate whether or not you are suitable for your position. Please show us what you can do. Pretend the man on my left is a baddie.

Awesome.

I stood there, raised my hand and wrenched this guy out of his seat with the force. So he was dangling about 10 metres in the air while I had him in a vader strangle hold.

Gasp! Gargle....arggghhhhh.

Yeah that's right - suck my force!

Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeze.

Hey Mr, you got something on your neck, oh yeah it's my force!

And then I dropped him.

And everyone applauded.

And Paul Holmes bought me dinner.

And this time Wonder Girl came and kissed me, so I kissed back. But we didn't use tongues.

And then I went home and stood in front of the mirror some more.

Everyone loves Megaman, especially Megaman.

Post Of The Day

This post is dumb.

2005-06-11T11:55:00.000Z

Um, saying um is dumb.Typing LOL is dumb. In fact anything like LOL, ROFL, LMAO and OMG is dumb. Those wierd, flashy msn emoticion thingies that 12 year old girls use are dumb and should be banned in any democratic society. Anyone else who uses them are dumb. Dolls are dumb 'cause they're just so darn freaky. People bleeding is dumb. Girls you genuinely like but are too hard to read are dumb. Team America: World Police is dumb. Good Charlotte are dumb. Having to blow dry your hair when you're a guy is dumb. Being homesick is dumb. Hansons dumb, but the new song is insanely catchy and that's also dumb. Yellow is dumb. Paying more than $50 for anything is dumb. People who have boring blogs are dumb. English weather is dumb. Paul Holmes is dumb. New Zealand TV in general is just dumb. The fact that as humans we have to go to the toilet is dumb. Cold toilet seats are dumb. People getting offended because I'm using the word dumb in a derogatory manner are dumb. Dumb people are dumb - it's true! Old sleazy movie stars like Tom Cruise and Bruce Willis managing to get hot young chicks is dumb. In fact anyone dating Katie Holmes is dumb. Alphabetized dvd collections are dumb. The president is dumb. Christians who dont read the bible are dumb. All boy bands are dumb. And the fact that I know a lot of Boyzone, 5ive and Westlife is really dumb. Telling you all that was dumb. Wrestling is dumb. TV shows that show you whats "next after the break" are superdumb and I hate them. I'm watching the dam show dont punish me because youre taking a commerical break! Low fat anything is dumb. Puberty is dumb - especially the spot part. Excessive swearing is dumb, and especially when Limp Bizkit do it. Being broke is dumb. Having brothers that are better looking than you and better than you at almost everything apart from maybe playing the guitar is dumb. Having a little brother who's 6ft is dumb. Not having a little sister to look after is dumb. I wish I had a girlfriend, but I don't so that's dumb. People who argue stuff to the death when they don't really know what they're talking about (and they know it) are dumb. Boy racers with huge compensation subs are dumb. Regrets are dumb. If you've read this far, you're dumb because you're wasting your time. Dummie. Salad Fingers totally freaked me out, and I have no idea why - so that's dumb. Don't watch it (unless you're dumb). I burned my pizza - I am soooooooo dumb. And one last thing, anonymous chicks who post comments like this:

'What every woman/girl wants is a knight in shining armour.
Can you be that too?
xxx honey xxx

are dumb becuase I don't know who they are. Female attention without a face is just dumb.

Post Of The Day

Special Delivery

2005-06-08T14:30:00.000Z

Episode 2

Big News!

Yesterday I had my superpowers delivered to me by the underappreciatedly hot Wonder Girl. She turned up in her Wonder Cape and short shorts, and a T-shirt that read 'I love the Guru Of Funky Slippers Blog'. In short, she new how to get a guy. Pity about her mask though, she looked strangely familiar.

I said thanks very much and gave her a smooch no longer than 10 seconds and took the package inside. Once I got through the layers of bubble wrap, I found it. Wonder Girl's number on a bit of paper with a kiss print. Oh yeah, and my superpowers - a microwaveable pie.

Pie, pie, pie, pie, pieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. No Vaneeta, don't get too excited, not that Pie.

I consumed this pie post haste and began to twitch in my right thigh. Then I fell asleep, sweating like a pig, while looking desparingly at my half naked, scrawny body and whipping off my nerd glasses.

I dreamed about Wonder Girl. We were sitting on a couch holding hands. I sung softly in her ear...

'American Girl, American Girl
I wish I could tell you how I feeeeeeeeeeel.
I swear we're meant to beeeeeeee.
But you're too good to be true.
Oh American Girl.'

Then I woke up. Feeling... great actually.

It took me exactly 53.5 seconds to realise I was actually floating 3ft above my bed.

And then I farted. And I hit the roof. Better watch that from now on.

The JLE must read this blog, because I got sent the force as my super power.

Post Of The Day

Let's All Play Along

2005-06-05T20:09:00.000Z

I've got a game today. You fill in the gaps. Everyone play. As many times as you want. I'm sure you guys could come up with some funny crap. This is it:

'I've seen music's ............... and it was ........'

I'll start.

I've seen music's faeces and it was a band called Busted.

Post Of The Day

The Chronicles Of Megaman Begin

2005-06-01T21:02:00.000Z

Episode 1

It's a strange, eery feeling - uncertainly almost audible. It's the knowing in your brain that you're hearing without your ears. It's words forming inside your skull without passing through it. Not your words.

It was a Wednesday when I was summoned to fulfil my call as a Superhero.

The JLE (Justice League of the Earth) were informed of the need for me and I was notified through telepathy (courtesy of Phoenix from the X Men). The rest was up to me apparently. I’m talking everything.

You’ve got 48 hours to get your persona together. Meet us at the Justice Lounge in your full kit, and you’ll be taken through your induction.

It was as simple as that. Needless to say I was pretty suprised. Apparently the X Men’s totally rad awesome computer ‘Cerebra’ tapped into itself to find someone new for the JLE, saw I had potential and decided I was the man for the job. This was a childhood dream. And I had to take it seriously.

Everything up to me huh?

This called for a costume. Now, I’m no fashion guru but I know what looks cool. Unfortunately my costume didn’t match that. I had to make do with a chick’s belt, washing up gloves, ladies tights, and a swimming cap, and had to get help with my cape and bright yellow underpants. But because it was me, I still managed to look hot.

Quite a dish actually.

The only thing that I got sensitive about was the fact that my mask (absolutely essential for preserving my unknown identity) accentuated my already noticeably Maori nose. There’s nothing worse than a Superhero with a bunga nose. It’s even worse than a Superhero with a noticeably stuffed crotch. Trust me on this one.

Now for a name. What’s in a name? Well, actually they’re all pretty standard and appropriate. Batman is so because he’s bat-like. Spiderman is so because he moves like a spider. Same for Catwoman, the Flash, Ant Man and the Silver Surfer. But then we get to the ambiguous names like Superman, and Thing. I like them better, because it leaves people with a sense of wonder. I took a look at the official JLE gifted person list and because he has since retired, I recreated myself as the new and true…

MEGAMAN.

Nothing like the old one. I had no idea what was next though. It’s a pretty daunting feeling, knowing that you’re just about to become part of an elite group of superhumans, urban legends that have been idolized for decades, portrayed in comics, cartoons, TV series and movies. These are the true world changers and people, who because of their abilities are used in great ways, good and evil. It’s an honour and a privilege to be a part of it all.

Actually, now that I thought about it, why in the world am I part of it all?

I can almost hear you ask the question already: Sam, you’re already a world famous rock star, best friend of Billie Joe Armstrong, an awesome writer and cartoonist, and an outrageously good looking guy. Don’t you think that becoming a Superhero on top of all that would put too many demands onto one person?

Sweetie, that’s why the JLE chose me.

Post Of The Day

Music

2005-05-26T11:04:00.000Z

Switchfoot are bringing out their new album 'Nothing is Sound' in August. I am so excited. I've already reserved my copy and cannot wait to hear their new stuff. As far as I'm concerned, they've just kept getting better and better.

I think this blog called for a serious post.

Not that I'm not serious about wanting to be a Jedi.

Today I want to talk about music. Music is a massive part of me, and a huge part of a lot of my close friends. Lately I've become so frustrated with where I am with my music - or where I'm not.

Last Friday I went to see a band called Replenish. They're not massive or anything, and their music is by no means revolutionary and original - but on Friday they owned the building. These guys were into it and worked the crowd. They were living the dream and loving it.

Now, I'm happy for these guys - I really am. It's just whenever I go to a gig I find myself standing there only half enjoying the night.

Because I wanna be the one up there. Doin' the stuff, making the music, grabbing the crowd by the hand and taking them on a journey of expression. I wanna make them jump, laugh, cry and shout with my music. I wanna hear them sing the songs that came from somewhere inside of me.

And to be honest, I'm not that clear on my motivations yet. All I know is, I want it. I'm not too bothered whether my band gets big or not. I don't care if we don't get to play to thousands. Although I wouldn't complain. I just want a band of capable musicians, to be able to jam with them and share a musical vision.

I remember back in the glory days of 'The History Of Jed', we were pretty good. Cranking out our trademark 'Walkin' On Sunshine' was one of the best feelings in the world. We had people goin'. But we were all such good friends too, and practises were a laugh.

It was cool, but it wasn't it. My absolute dream would be to use my music to reach audiences who don't know God, and try and show them the hope that I know. Music's powerful. I don't know why. It just is. I think in this generation, it's one of the most effective tools we have to make people listen to what we have to say.

Thing is, it could happen.

Y'no what gave me this dream of mine? It was just one song. By an incredibly undervalued band.
It goes like this:

Fumbling his confidence, and wondering why the world has passed him by
Hoping that he's bent for more than arguements and failed attempts to fly

We were meant to live for so much more
Have we lost ourselves?
Somewhere we live inside.

Dreaming about Providence, and whether mice and men have second tries
Maybe we've been livin with our eyes half open
Maybe we're bent and broken, broken

We were meant to live for so much more
Have we lost ourselves?
Somewhere we live inside.

We want more than this world's got to offer
We want more than this world's got to offer
We want more than the wars of our fathers
And everything inside screams for second life
.....................................................................................

Megaman is coming next time on Funky Slippers. Are you excited? I sure am.

Post of The Day

Lightsabers. Gimme one.

2005-05-23T21:44:00.000Z

I saw it.

I went to the cinema, sat in the chair and I saw it.

And it was awesome.

Sure, some of it was ridiculous. One minute Yoda is limping with his walking stick, and the next flying round the room with a lightsaber like one of the muppet babies, but the fun is just playing along. And as my good pal Mr Patrick Kelly said 'It's dark. It's sinister. It kicks ass.' Could not agree with you more.

It's been argued that Lucas has set the bar so low with the previous two episodes, that all he had to do was tell the story and not screw it up. And he got there. I had such a good time watching it, seeing Darth Vader go through his dark birth. Also, I had a good time laughing at some of the lines they put into this movie. I cannot believe they paid $100 million and came up with lines like this:

Anakin: You're so beautiful.
Natalie Portman: It's only because I'm in love.
Anakin: No, it's only because I'm in love with you.

I'm sorry, what? Bucket please!

Aside from these Hollywood casualties, I was really impressed, and as I always do when I come out of a Star Wars movie, wanted to be a Jedi.

And if I was gonna be a Jedi, what kinda Jedi would I be?

Well, for starters, I would have the long hair that Hayden Christensen had in this movie, and maybe the scar too. In fact his black costume looked pretty S-W-I-S-H. Now that I think about it, he probably was the coolest Jedi.

Obi Wan is a little bit too old man like, Qui Gon Jin - he never saw the funny side of anything. And Luke Skywalker, too emo for me. Anakin's cool. Maybe it's cause he's a sith deep down.

Plus he's a hottie. And I'm sure chicks dig a hot Jedi Knight.

Colour of my lightsaber? Well, I'm not black so I can't have purple, blue's boring and green's just not me. I'd actually probably go for red.

If I was a Jedi, I would use my lightsaber all the time, and chop limbs off just to show I was the man. I would be a Jedi just open cans of whoop ass on droids and use the force.

D'ya reck'n if you had the force you'd get lazy? I would use it to make lunch, feed the dog, and play mind tricks on aqcuaintances. I would stay in bed and turn the TV on with the force, get food with the force and be a happy camper.

I would be a 'take no bull, let my Lightsaber do the talkin' Jedi. Like Han Solo with a Lightsaber.

Post Of The Day

No Way!

2005-05-20T00:15:00.000Z

I knew I thought I recognised our new pope from somewhere. You catchin' ma drift here?

or

Aha! Man, this is priceless - our beloved pope is in fact the Sith Emperor. I nearly wet myself laughing at this.

I'm seeing the new Star Wars movie on Sunday. I've not been too convinced by the last two, although the second was a fair apology for the first. I have high hopes for 'The Revenge of the Sith'. Plus the fact I think Natalie Portman is a rather foxy fox of a lady as far as foxes go.

But seriously now boys and girls. Some things about Star Wars, are not just lame, but 100% unnessicarily pathetic. I mean, who would put lines like 'I am haunted by the kiss that you should never have given me' into an eagerly awaited cult prequal? No, I wouldn't. And neither would you. Not to mention that ball shrivellingy stupid character that is Jar Jar Binks. For goodness sake, he sounds like Ray Charles on helium while choking on a pair of gloves.

It's hard to believe that the same directer/producer guy came up with such a kick ass wise character like Han Solo. Han is the man. Check out some of these lines:

"Hokey religions and ancient weapons are no match for a good blaster at your side, kid."

"Bring 'em on, I'd prefer a straight fight to all this sneaking around."

"Never tell me the odds."

"Look, Your Worshipfulness, let's get one thing straight. I take orders from just one person: me."

"What good's a reward if you ain't around to use it? Besides, attacking that battle station ain't my idea of courage. It's more like… suicide."

"Not a bad bit of rescuing, huh? You know, sometimes I amaze even myself."

"You're all clear, kid. Now let's blow this thing and go home."

Just one more thing, I'm sure I've seen Chewy's hippy twin around...

There aint no sunshine when she's gone...

2005-05-17T17:27:00.000Z

There was a party on Saturday night.

Me and Tori were invited, 'cause we're hot bloggers. She tells me she's called 'The American one'. I reckon it's 'cause she's American.

And because she's inescapably my new best friend, I had to show the world.

Via email, I've had a few people (actually quite a number) tell me that my blog is insane, and they don't get why I'm writing this stuff half the time. I actually got a comment in an email, courtest of an old pal, that said 'What are you ON man?'. However most people seem to find it quite entertaining. So I'm gonna stick with it. Remember, not much of it is real. I mean, why tell the whole truth, when you can take the truth and expand it into something that's worth reading?

I think if I just wrote about what I did each day like I said I would, it would
a) Bore me to tears
b)Cause you to think this blog sucks
c)Mean that I would have nowhere to be creative with my reality

No offense to those who write posts that talk about 'Sorry that I haven't updated in a while. Today I did this and this and this. I'm tired.' - I just... y'no... can't read it.

If you've got something to say about me, then say it to my face. ON MY BLOG. I don't want to get emails about it from misinformed individuals.

So, dear Sam's blog readers... I know there are many more that choose not to reveal yourself on here. But why don't you post comments? No, I'm not really asking why, I'm just saying - please do.

Like hey why don'cha.
You can even simply post a '.' Go for it.
Be anon. I don't care.

I'm just upset because Tom Cruise gets everything he wants.

But at least Megaman is on his way...

1st November 1986

2005-05-13T19:16:00.000Z

On the day I was born, a band called 'Europe' reached number one on the UK Top 40, with their song 'The Final Countdown'.

On the day that I was born, a Canadian radar station, the 'Pinetree Line Radar Station' closed down.

On the day that I was born, the Muppet Babies episode 'The Daily Muppet' aired for the very first time.

On the day that I was born, my mother was sitting in church, when suddenly her waters broke. This meant amniotic fluid went splashing all over the floor. Highly embarrassing. See, I was drawing unwanted attention to my mother even before I was out of the womb. Unfortunately, this meant that the baby had nothing to protect it, and was in great danger.

On the day that I was born, doctors pulled a blue baby from my c-sectioned mother. The baby didn't make a sound. No crying - nothing. And these dumbass doctors who worked at the Upper Hutt Hospital in Wellington, then rushed the baby down a cold hallway, with not enough blankets to keep him warm. Subsequently, the baby stopped breathing. For approximately 60 seconds. He was put into an incubator and resuscitated.

On the day that I was born, this baby wasn't expected to live through the night. My mother didn't seem to care. She was put on a high dose of morphine and she knew then that everything was gonna be ok, and in fact, her scar was actually quite funny. But my father could see clearly, and believing he was just about to lose his knew baby boy, he called the pastors of his church. These men came and prayed for this baby boy, and I'm still alive today. Which I'm pretty pleased about.

On the day that I was born, despite my critical condition, my mother's brothers came in and stated the fact that I looked like Yoda.

On the day that I was born, I remember looking around my hospital room. I looked at the calender on the wall. It showed me that today, was in fact the 1st of November 1986. 'What a great day to be born on!' I thought to myself. I also remember that the nurses looking after me were pretty hot too.

On the day I was born, I suddenly was hit with shock. I was born in the 80's??? Where's the dignity in that???

On the day that I was born, I wanted to urinate into my dumbass doctors face for nearly freezing me to death. But my willy was attatched to some tube.

My Kryptonite

2005-05-09T09:17:00.000Z

Anyone know what the Animatrix is? I've seen a few but I just don't get it. Looks pretty cool.

Did I ever tell you that I'm a superhero?

Well I am, and I shall unveil myself this Sunday in a marquee full of over-excited children. Yeah - I have my own costume (with a cape) and everything. This Sunday at 11am, the world will see it's first glimpse of the Marvelous, Manly and Mighty...

Megaman!

Stay tuned for the The Chronicles of Megaman, coming soon, only on The Guru Of Funky Slippers.

But I was thinking, every superhero has a weakness, just like Superman has Kryptonite.

Mine is blood. Seriously I will never be a doctor. I don't do blood. Everytime my family used to watch doctor programs, I was the one with a pillow over my face. I go numb.

In fact at times it makes me look like a right pansy.

The other Sunday, when I was standing up, talking in the youth meeting - some girl cut the bottom of her foot. Blood started to drip at an alarming rate, and then everyone started out with 'Ewwwwwwwwww that's gross, it's all over the carpet!'

Seriously, I nearly had to sit down. It must've sounded pretty harsh, but I just said to her

'Get out. Now. I'm not joking at all. That's not cool. Sick.'

So she hobbled out of the room and everyone was now laughing at how much of a girl I was being. The majority of people there were girls aged between 11 and 14. And they were fine about it.

I must've gone pretty pale. But it made me think. Why the heck can't I deal with it? I'm alright with gorey movies, has no effect on me, and when it's my blood it's no big deal. But when someone else is bleeding - that's it, shows over.

Now, with this problem of mine, the worst bit of it all is that I have no idea how I'm supposed to sit through my wife giving birth. Seriously, there's gonna be placenta, blood, mucus, amniotic fluid and umbilical chords everywhere. And I have to see it all. Now that's true fear.

I think I might ask to sit outside and just to get called in when it's all over.

I have a feeling that could be quite insensitive.

Don't ever think of yourself as an ugly person, just a beautiful monkey.

2005-05-06T16:05:00.000Z

I've got a few announcements to make today.

Firstly, if you haven't noticed already, my mate Tim has made a blog.

It took me ages to convince him to make one, and now he's addicted - so there you go. I've known Tim for a few months now and he doesn't seem too bad, so I agreed to give him some free advertising. So go here!

Also, my outrageously good looking younger brother, Tim has shown me his website for his band, The Immigrants! If you haven't noticed the link on the sidebar, check it out now. They don't sound too bad actually. He sent me a recording of their first song - here are the lyrics.

The Sex Song

Sex
Sex is really good
But only after marraige

Sex
Sex is really bad
It can make us really sad
If you do it before marraige

(Bridge)
Don't do it
Unless you're married!
Don't do it
Unless you're married!

Seeeeeeeex
Sex is really goooooooooooooooooood
But only after marraaaaaaaaaaaaaaigah!

I love my brother.

In other news, I actually found Naomi on the internet. It was really wierd. I was just looking through some stuff and there was the link to her dance company! And I was like no way! And Tim was like it's a sign from God dude! And I was like awesome!

That reminds me, I actually rang Naomi up the other day.

Yep, Bianca managed to score the job of phoning her up to make sure some stuff we sent through got to her offices off someone else. Just for me.

So I did.

And it was quite possibly the worst phone conversation I've ever had.

Brett said she must've been having a bad day - but in my books, that was a monumental disspointment. I was gutted. Wouldn't it be wierd if she found this site?

And yeah, that was the last in the series of those stories, but no doubt Billie Joe, Jack Black and some hot chicks thrown in will turn up again.

So what it comes down to.

2005-04-27T20:29:00.000Z

Walking away from the training thing, I felt on top of the world. Driving home I felt like I was having an out of body experience, I was so happy.

Turns out I was having an out of body experience. I opened my eyes to find I really was.

Woah.

I floated out of my seemingly sleeping body, through the roof of the car, and watched as the road got smaller and smaller. Eventually I could see the whole of West Sussex underneath me. Awesome.

Can I see my house from here? Dumbass.

Floating higher still. Houses blurred and blended together. Then towns did. Then I dissapeared into the clouds. Ho darn, I hope unseen planes are dodgeable.

Eventually the clouds were beneath me and became smaller and smaller. I looked up to see that the sky was beginning to ark around me. I was very high.

For some reason I wasn't freaked out at all. It didn't even cross my mind that the atmosphere burns stuff up, I just passed through it. And I beheld the Earth.

Awesome.

I was starting to accelerate. I rocketed away from the Earth, past the moon, flew past Jupiter and out of the solar system. I had some serious speed now, with stars rushing past me. I then saw our milky way as a whole. Then others. Our universe is pretty big y'no.

Eventually I had got so far away that there was just pitch black and silence. And floatiness. Suddenly I caught sight of a small whit light, which immeadiately began to grow. It was blinding white, and within a few seconds I was totally surrounded by brilliant white, and before I knew it, I was sitting in a white chair in a white room. And who did I find standing before me? A very angry Jack Black.

Hey buddy I said. No use - it looked like a was in the crud.

You're in trouble maaaaaaan. You got divine guidance with your problems - sent especially by God. And you went against it all.

I did?

Don't play games with me, Romeo.

I tried the Bambi eyes, but even that didn't get me any sympathy.

I saw you with that girl Naomi, maaaaan. So totally not impressed right now. I warned you to keep your fridge door closed. You understood and agreed. So, now your in my domain, in some far distant corner of our universe with no control. Welcome to the afterlife.

I'm dead?!

Maybe.

You're not serious... I'm 18! I'm still a youngen! I never got married! You're a poo bum willy willy, that's what you are. I'm not really dead am I?

You could be. Answer me this: now you can look back on your life. What do you regret?

I regret... I regret that time when I nearly chopped Chucky's toe off... I regret a few friendships I've had, I regret not building into the really valuable ones as much as I could have. I regret not putting effort into school, I could've done well. I regret watching 'The Girl Next Door'. I regret not picking up the guitar earlier. I regret never asking Alana to marry me when I had the chance... I regret not meeting Jacob earlier, and I regret the fact I've had to leave so many friends behind in so many places.

Woah deep. I have a feeling there's some more though.

Yeah. Most of all I regret spending so much time chasing after girls and giving it so much thought and energy. I could've used it for God.

Very good. You're coming to your senses. Well, you're not dead, but it did put stuff into perspective didn't it?

Stop grinning. Yeah I guess.

Please, please, please remember that regret factor when you get back into the world. Because when I do send you the one, it will all seem worth it. Believe me, Sam, you will be kissing my feet when you see her. I've got her all lined up already. You'll think she's perfect.

You mean, you know her?

Sure do.

That never really struck me before. She's out there living and breathing right now. She's waiting for me too. Woah. That's awesome. Can I see her?

What? You gotta be joking maaaaaaan.

Oh please c'mon!

Why do you wanna see her so bad, it'll ruin the suprise!

I dunno, I just wanna see her face I guess. To know she's the one. It's wierd I already wanna tell her all my dreams and make her smile... I'm such a loser.

No you're not man. You know what you've just done? You've proved to yourself something very important. You already have a connection with her through your patience - you don't need to see her. Anyone else in the picture til' then will taint it. So don't screw up again, for crying out loud!

But how will I know she's the one?

You just will, apparently. Now go and do me proud, boy.

And with that, I found myself straight back into the seat of the car.

I guess Waiting is the Hardest Part....

2005-04-20T14:59:00.000Z

I felt pretty learned once I had talked to Jack.

I walked home, remembering I had to be up early in the morning for a training day. I got into bed by 3. Up by 7 - smashed.

Anyway, it turned out that although we turned up at 9am, we didn't need to be there 'til midday. So that sucked the major bajingos.

I took my seat on my own table - and we were about an hour through the talk

When she walked in.

Y'no when your heart leaps for a second? And in a split second you change from 'I can't wait to get back into bed' to 'I hope no one sees me blush.'

Well, it was like that. Luckily, it was quite a dark room.

She sat two seats away from me, next to some guy I think she works with. All attempts to concentrate were now futile. She seemed cool, joking away with this guy and laughing. Man, she looked like Katie Holmes.

And for anyone of you that know me well, will also know that I've always had a crush on Katie Holmes. She's just so darn cute.

Anyway, we then had to introduce ourselves. My name is Naomi. That piece on information was immeadiately stored in my 'priority data' part of my brain. I would not forget.

I introduced myself the best I could, and amazingly managed not to stutter.

We then got onto working with this computer program. She was joking around and I smiled at some of the stuff she said - on purpose letting her catch me. She was having an argument about a piece of paper with this guy, and then half laughing, gave it to me saying 'Sam can have it.'

She remembered my name! I immeadiately commented on that fact, joking that I was impressed that she listened to me, coz Bianca never does. When someone has a pretty smile - it feels cool to know you're the one that caused it.

I had to get out my seat for something, so she had to get out too, but when I came back, I just sat down next to her. That's a relief she said. I asked her what she does with herself. I'm a youth worker at a church nearby. I also have my own dance teaching company. That's the reason I was in late. I was in London dancing. I need my licence!

Perfect! I could now slip in the question!

You haven't got your licence! That's terrible! How old are you?

20. It's not that bad!

Hmmmmm 20. Well, my confidence wasn't blown yet - in 'The Girl Next Door' the chick was older than the guy. How old are you? I'm 18. Her reply was interesting. Well I'm literally only just 20. Really? Oh ok.

Anyway, we chatted for a while after. The I had to leave early. Blast! I shot her a smile and said goodbye. And then I walked out. Before I walked out the door, though, I looked over my shoulder at her. Dunno why. Felt stoopid bout it afterwards. But seriously, you could not wipe the smile off my face for about an hour afterwards.

I wonder if I'll ever see Naomi again.

This is my fridge door:

Don't even open that fridge!

2005-04-17T13:00:00.000Z

Bang!

I was asleep? Can't have been long. What the heck was that?

The bush nearby was moving and making loud breathing noises. Ow, my elbow!

Ok there is definately someone in that bush.

Ya think?

A rather chubby and hairy fellow with a crazed look on his face popped up. He looked familiar but I couldn't see past the angel wings he was wearing.

Nice angel wings, tinkerbell, I said.

You think this is funny? Think it's a big ol' joke being a fairy God-daddy?

Then I realised who he was. This man was Jack Black. You're Jack Black. Why are you dressed as a fairy, Jack Black?

Ok, before you start gettin' smart...... smartypants.... I'm here for your own benifit so a bit of respect might be nice.

Who sent you?

God.

So let me get this straight, you're Jack Black - as a fairy in a bush claiming to be my fairy God-father, telling me God sent you? This is pretty random to say the least.

He pulled himself out of the bush. Ok, I don't wanna hear anymore, Mr Burrows. Or should I say..... Samuella Bunnykins! Yes that's right, I know a lot about you. And it's fairy God-daddy if you don't mind. I'm a fully qualified God-daddy, just so you know. I just act in my spare time. Sorry about the landing. Can't fly properly on an empty stomach.

So what've I done wrong?

Well, I've been sent here to give you enlightenment on your girl problems. And I just want you to remember one sentence.

I think I could probably do that. Shoot.

Keep the fridge door closed.

I blinked. Then frowned in confusion.

He moved over to the bench, sat down, and with a long sigh, he began.

Ok here's the deal. Throughout my life I've struggled with my weight. Consequently, I've put myself on countless diets. There was this one time when I was dieting, and there was this beautiful chocolate cake sitting at the top of my fridge. But I couldn't have it. I kept opening the fridge just to look at it. To me, it looked sooooo good. It got to the stage where time and time again, I would take it out, and unwrap it, then have an attack of conscience and put it back away. Eventually I lost the battle, intending to just have a bite, I ate the whole darn cake in one go. Now where did I go wrong?

By taking that first bite!

Wrong. My mistake was opening the fridge door that first time.

I get it - you saw it, let it play on your mind, and that led you to failing.

10 points, bucko! In the same way, everytime you start seeing a girl as a potential girlfriend, or everytime you watch a chick flick you're opening up the fridge door. You're taking that first fatal step to believing you can't do without it.

Oh. Y'no, for a porky hairy fairy who has trouble flying, you do have a good point.

And with that, Jack Black scampered down the grass and took off into the night sky.

Sitting Inside My Head

2005-04-15T22:06:00.000Z

And I kept on walking, I figured I could call for a taxi later. I needed to think. I walked into the city park and found my own little bench in a lamp lit pool of yellow light.

There was no doubt in my mind that I had done the right thing. She was definately off limits. But it still hadn't solved my problem; I have an emotional hole. And a girlfriend sure would fill it.

As I sat there, I let images flash through my mind of what my imagined perfect girl would be like. I don't usually like rain, but in one of the images, rain became fun, and I was happy because she was there. Her smile lit me up, and as she laughed I realised it didn't matter where I was. I was in the best place on earth and I wouldn't be moved. I was with her.

Another image came. I was sitting on rocks staring out at the ocean. I was obviously upset about something. She didn't try and cheer me up with words or funny faces, but came and looked me in the eye and seemed to search my heart, realising she could never solve them all. So she walked down the beach and wrote a big 'I LOVE YOU' in the sand. It healed more than any 'What's wrong?' chat could ever accomplish.

My special lady, the one who I'm gonna share my life with, I think she's gonna be worth waiting for. I think she's gazzillion times more special than I realise she's gonna be. And I get so frustrated with myself in the fact that I try to look for her in the face of every new girl I meet, and try and replace her with any emotional kick - that's why chick flicks are so lethal.

Half an hour had passed and I realised that the problem wasn't that I was alone right now and I needed someone. I realised the problem was with me and my impatience. I'm not lacking anything. The right girl will be the fruit of patience, and will be worth it.

Maybe keeping punks for friends isn't such a good idea.

They stitch you up in dates with movies stars that you have a semi movie crush on, and you don't know what to say. And then you feel like an ass for doing the wrong thing.

Elisha Cuthbert - yeah right. Like she could handle my flatulence.

And then...

2005-04-12T20:19:00.000Z

Later on Billie Joe dropped me off home. I thanked him very much for listening and oh by the way say hi to the missus for me.

He said you better be out in 10 minutes max or you'll miss something very important. And go and put your suit on. And some aftershave. And do something with your hair. Geez.

What?

He gave me a you better do as I say look so I ran inside, through my suit on and squirmed out the door. Dam pants ride high in the crutch.

I didn't ask any questions, just went with it. BJ had some big ol' smile on his face. All the way into the city. We pulled up to the sheradon grand hotel.

He pulled out a gold card with a number on it. Treat it as a once in a lifetime present from someone who knows people.

Here's your table number. Play it smooth and have good night. And he spun away.

Right.

This place was fancy pancy alright. Some rather large guy with a motash looked at me, then my card and pointed to my table at the back of the room.

Strangley some blonde haired chi...

Oh.

My.

Sweet.

Mercies.

There sitting at my table was the worst person that could've been sitting there.

Elisha Cuthbert.

Ohmygoshohmygoshimgonnagutthatlameexcuseforapunksinger

She smiled as I got to the table.

Hi...

Hi.

Um... what's going on um coz y'no you're Elisha Cuthbert and I don't usually go out on dates with movie stars... um...

I'm sorry. Y'see I heard Billie knew so... I dunno. I thought I'd take the risk and try my chances. It's ok, you don't have to stay if you don't want to...

Um... yeah... I don't really do this all the time. Hey, aren't you engaged to that guy Trace Ayala?

And then she looked at me with those piercing baby blue eyes. I thought this would be my last chan...

No. I'm not that kinda guy Elisha Cuthbert. And you will get married.

And I walked away.

Me and Mr Armstrong

2005-04-08T11:50:00.000Z

Well, since everyone was busy last night, and I was feeling pretty alone, I gave my old pal Billie Joe a call. After all, it has been a while. He rolled up in his green chevvy and we hit the road with the Ramones playing in the background. We looked like such badasses. I'd never tell him, but I think Billie's one of the coolest guys I've ever known.

I told him we need to talk.

He said what about?

Well I borrowed this movie...

It was a chick flick wasn't it.

Geez, sometimes I think you see straight through me man. Yeah. It was a chick flick. I watched 'The Girl Next Door'.

Dude, you know you have a problem when it comes to chick flicks.

Yeah well it's really bad this time. Maybe it's the fact that now I'm away from home, and feelin' a little bit alone. But I dunno ay... whenever I see chick flicks now I just wanna fall in love. I mean I know I don't need a girlfriend, but I sure as anything want one. Just to have someone to share my life with, to have whenever you needed them, to be able to gaze into their eyes and know they mean it...

So you're in love with Elisha Cuthbert?

No! I mean she's not even that hot...

Well, I guess I am a bit. Not in love with her exactly, probably more just in love with the idea of being with someone like she was in the film. Y'no?

Well, can't say I have problems like that. I mean I'm happily married at 32 with two kids, and besides, I'm the lead singer of the biggest punk band on the planet. But I feel for you man.

Thanks... I wish I had a girl, man. T'would be so nice. I mean, Jacob always goes on about this kinda thing, and he says he's joking but now I'm not so sure.

Tell ya what. I got an idea.

You have?

Yeah. You go on the internet, make a blog and post exactly how you're feeling, and just leave it. Sooner or later you're bound to get some offers.

Good idea...

2005-04-06T17:28:00.000Z

Just got back from Thorpe Park. Really cool day. The wierd thing about New Zealand y'see, is that we have no theme parks. No, Rainbows End certainly does not count thankyou very much. Needless to say, I have been deprived of a certain type of adrenaline rush over the last two years so this was wicked.

Actually I really do think it's something that the government of New Zealand need to take into serious consideration. Because around the North Shore there really isn't much to do, and I think you poor shore kids deserve to be treated better, and would greatly benifit from at least one theme park. I mean look how happy I am!

Haha, she may look happy here, but you should've seen Emma on another ride. She was pale and shaking and close to chucking. She also lost a glove on a ride - haw haw.

Actually now that I look at it again, she had reason to be scared. This ride was amaaaaaaaazing. Thing is about theme parks in th UK, is that they're sooooo darn expensive. To get in today, we had to pay £20 each. That's nearly $60 dollars.

The teacup ride was triiiiiiiiiiiiiiiippy, there wasn't enough room and Pete, the bumflake, kept pinching me.

What a good day.

2005-04-02T15:59:00.000Z

Dammit, this always happens to my face when I eat too much vitamin C.

Did you know - that if you type 'The Guru of Funky Slippers' into google, my webstie comes up on top! How cool is that! I challenge any of you guys to see if it happens with your blogs!

I've had quite a restful Easter break. It all kicked off though with the annual Easter Service in the middle of town. Our church was given the honour of leading the worship, so as I'm part of the band, I got to play. And it was a pretty amazing experience. On one side of it, it was just cool to play in front of so many people. The local newspaper seemed to think that thousands were there, someone from my church thought there was about 700 but I'm pretty sure there was even less. Never the less, a lot of people came, and it was a cool experience (plus I got a few leady parts on the guitar!). On the other side of it, it was just awesome to be amongst such a large crowd in the middle of our town all gathered to honour God publicly. And because I was up on the bandstand, I could see them all and it was quite moving.

Ever since I've played guitar I've wanted to play up on that bandstand - so there ya go.

I really haven't done much the rest of the week, but I feel like I've been busy. Went to dinner with a couple from the church which was cool. Geez, I really needed the holiday - I got really tired last week and couldn't seem to shake it off.

I've taken some of my free time to start making cards for things. Emma said they look cute so I'll put em up on here some time. Next week, we're off to Thorp Park, which is probably the biggest and best theme park in the UK, so it should be wicked. keep me posted guys.

Still missin y'all.

2005-04-02T15:45:00.000Z

Represent ow. Word. Brother.

2005-04-02T15:43:00.000Z

2005-04-02T15:41:00.000Z

It felt soooooooo cool.

Sam vs Tim

2005-03-27T18:47:00.000Z

Tim says:
hello
Sam says:
yellow
Tim says:
bellow
Sam says:
fellow
Tim says:
tellow
Sam says:
feeling mellow
Tim says:
ahhh.........brains gone dead
Sam says:
yusss i win
Tim says:
this time!!
Sam says:
we'll meet again young skywalker!
Tim says:
ahh, if i'm skywalker it's inevitable that i win
Sam says:
*sam pulls out lightsaber* psssssshhhhhh!!!!
Tim says:
*tim returns gesture* pssssshhhhhh, and strikes low on the right side psshhhhhhhh
Sam says:
'arrrrrrghhhhhhh!' screams sam and finds a random carrot on the ground. He thrusts it into tims eye
Tim says:
'owwwww' bellows tim. 'if you want to fight dirty then dirty it shall be', as tim pulls out a potato and throws it at sam, it's heading straight towards his chin
Sam says:
sam screams as the flying spud hurtles towards him. With speed it gets lodged in sams mouth. 'Mffmmmm mmmmrrrmmmm mfffff grrrrrrfffmmmmm!!!' sam says and proceeds to pull tims hair
Tim says:
with crys of mmfffmmmmm mmmmrrrmmm coming from sam he continues to pull on tims very short hair!! tim can't seem to wriggle free and soon the two aare rolling around on the floor (like a couple of girls)tim manages to pull the random carrot out of his eye where it had got lodged and thrust it deep into sams ear.
Sam says:
'YOWEEEEEEEEEEEE! I shouldve known you'd do that, you treacherous swine!' yells sam in agony, 'That was the only left ear I ever had! Now look what you've done!' Immeadiately Sam's clothes rip open, and there, now standng before Tim was sam, as the incredible hulk (except blue)
Tim says:
Tim jumps backward in shock (how did he get that spud out of his mouth to talk) Tim not sure if his bad eye is playing tricks on him, picks up his light saber and charges the blue mass that has engulfed sam, as he get's closer he realises that it's not engulfed sam.....it is Sam. tim turns to hide, but it's too late. sam lunges an arm towards tim and sends him flying backwards against the wall. tim's only hope now lies with his secret weapon. A YELLOW BANNANA, as he pulls it out of his pocket tim begins to laugh. Could this be the end?
Sam says:
'I am all powerful!' proclaims Sam 'For I am the Incredibly Blue Hulk!' With too much confidence Sam struts towards Tim heavily (as hulks do) and suddenly realises he's allergic to potatoes (of which he had swallowed it whole before, explaining the absence of potatoe in his mouth) suddenly sam is struck with severe indigestion and falls to his kness. But what's this? Tim is pulling something yellow from his pocket! Tim must know Sam's weakness his blue brain cannot handle the colour yellow!
Tim says:
Tim is shocked at the sight, How could Sam possibly know tims secret weapon he's been manufactoring this in secret for years. The yellow Banana bomb's secrets could not have been leaked could they. Sam continues to fall to his knees with an almighty thud. Tim is left pondering, maybe i don't need to test the prototype out just yet the sight of it alone is doing the job. Tim stands up with an ever growing sense of acheivement the banana bombs presence alone is enough 2 have the almighty ever fearfull world renown blue hulk falling to his knees. As tim steps towards sam holding the yellow banana in sams eye line, sam wimpers even more.
Sam says:
Fo Sam, it looks like there is no way out! He not only as chronic stomach pains, but has yellow on his brain! What's a hulk to do? And the enemy is drawing closer! But this, ladies and gentlemen, is where all things work for good. The stomach cramps get so bad that Sam cannot hold it in anymore. Sam releases projectile vomit across the room at the speed of a fire hose, plastering Tim to the brick wall behind him.
Tim says:
nooooooo screams tim
Tim says:
could things all have come down to this, the vomit has turned to cement, the only thing of tim still showing are his eyes, and his left hand still clutching the banana. the rest of his body is completly covered in potato vomit growing ever harder. What is the glorious tim to do? hulk seems to be trying to stand, but is seeming to have difficulty and covering his eyes. the carrot is still lodged in his ear. As the vomit hardens around tim he has an ingenious idea. if he can set the banana bomb of at the lowest setting it might free him from the vowl stench that is sams puke.
Sam says:
meanwhile, sam is growing weaker, the yellow of the banana is draining his strength. At last Sam is turning back into his normal 5 ft7 self and loses his hulk strength. But Tim his still trapped. Realising Tim is obviously plotting something, Sam realises he must strike now if he is to win. So Sam runs forward...
Tim says:
tim looks around, where has the hulk gone.... sundenly out of no where the short funny looking character that is sam appears. For tim this is now or never he manages to peel back the smallest amount of the banana skin. now all he has to do is drop it by his feet. There, 4.....3......2.....
Tim says:
what's this?sam is brandishing his light sauber, within stricking distance, theres only one hope left ' sam i know the good is in you. i can feel it.' tim says. 'help me and i can save you'
Sam says:
Sam is deeply moved by Tim's words. Somebody has actually seen that he is worth something. He puts down his light saber and falls to Tim's feet
Tim says:
'noooooo' Tim screams 'run away, quickly take cover'
Sam says:
'I can never leave you Tim!' Sam protests. Sam fails to notice the continual ticking beside him...
Tim says:
' you have to take cover now or we'll both die.' In an almighty act of strength and ingenious courage tim manages to release a leg and kick sam away just before 'BOOOMMMMM' the banana bomb explodes
Sam says:
There is silence as the smoke clears. Sam wonders what just happened. They both are in the same places. In his effort to kick Sam, Tim had actually kicked the banana bomb away, saving them both. Sam realises that Tim was actually trying to kill him the whole time with the banana bomb. So he kicks Tim in the balls and runs away
Tim says:
Tim is left rolling in pain. he gets to his feet to run after sam to explain, but it's no good. he falls back to the floor due to the heavy burning on his leg from the bomb as he broke his leg free, and the pain that was sams foot. Ahh well at least he has been the first that has come up against the hulk and lived to talk about it, and he knows that there is good in him, just have to continue to find him once again. but first, i promised Yoda that i would return to complete my training.
Sam says:
THE END
Sam says:
haha
Sam says:
awesome dude
Tim says:
that was cool
Sam says:
yeah bro
Sam says:
we have to have more of those
Tim says:
yeah, we left it so it can be continued another day
Sam says:
exactly
Tim says:
ok dude imight have to print that out
Sam says:
same hahaha
Sam says:
im definately gonna keep it

2005-03-19T16:15:00.000Z

It's spring now in England, and where I live, the tempurature has dramatically risen from about 5 degrees to 18 degrees i just two days. I've gone from wearing at least 3 layers to t-shirts and shorts in the space of 48 hours. Kinda wierd, but it's good.

2005-03-11T13:26:00.000Z

For this post, I would like to take the opportunity to take you for a tour in a small snippet of my life. I got some new pics y'see. This is me in me and Bianca's office, hard at work.... drawing pictures...

It's been a busy week, which would explain why many of you guys haven't heard from me in ages - don't dismay! I will have some time soon and will get some emails going your way in no time! It's just after being sick, I have a lot to catch up on.

You know what's hard? Having all the mums in church stand up to be applauded for mothers day, and my mummy not being there. Yeah. But you know what's really encouraging? Having someone come up to you at the end of church and just randomly giving you a hug and saying 'It's so good that you're over hear, it's really cool.'

Jacob looks like he's definately coming over, and I get to speak to him tonight :)

2005-03-11T13:25:00.000Z

This is Bianca ladies and gentlemen. She's who I work with. She's from Otaki down by Wellington, cool ay? It's really cool to work with a kiwi. So this is us in our office.

2005-03-11T13:17:00.000Z

This is the swimming pool. Its MAHOOSIVE.

2005-03-11T13:16:00.000Z

This is the outrageously wierd fountain sculpture in the middle of Horsham. Every 5 minutes in lets all this water gush out into it's basin, and it goes all the way down the pole. Then it goes up again. It's VERY strange. It's cool in the summer for illegal swimming tho. You wouldn't believe how many times it's been filled with dishwasher liquid to explode with bubbles....

2005-03-11T12:37:00.000Z

Woops, wrong country...

2005-03-03T12:01:00.000Z

On this stage of the adventure, I have been sitting at home, sick for about 7 days, watching tv, because I have tonsilitis. Which is pretty crappy. Also, when you're away from home, it really makes being sick harder coz you don't have your mummy looking after you. You have to get out of bed and get your own medicine, go to the doctors by yourself, and you have no one checking on you. But you know what's cool? For about the same amount of time, it's been snowing nearly every day, I get so excited. But yeah, not much to talk about for this week, coz I have done nothing. Although, over this last week or so, I discovered that Jacob is quite likely to come over and join me for a while which would be tooooooootally awesome.

For those who do not yet know - I somehow managed to get my bag back. Some guy from Air New Zealand was by chance looking through the database, saw a New Zealand filename, found out my name, found out my phone number, then rang up my mum and told her her my bag was still at the airport. None of which he had to do. So I got a reference number, went to the airport and got showed into the reclaim area. As it turns out, my bag was pretty much in the same place I left it with NOTHING missing and had not been blown up or anything. And we're talking 3 and a half weeks in an airport. That does not happen. I think someone's looking after me.

Oh yeah one thing that happened - on friday night it was the youth group talent show and I lead about 5 guys in the haka. It was funny coz I know it about as well as them. Never mind. Oh and another thing - after that it was Chris's party where our band was playing and our drummer decided not turn up. Never mind.

What a flippin trash post.

2005-02-22T12:38:00.000Z

Seiji, update your blog!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2005-02-19T19:32:00.000Z

So yeah, I've been quite naughty and haven't updated my blog in ages. I can't believe how busy I've been. Theres just been so much to go and so much to do, having said that I'm having a real good time.

But first - funny story. I had had a really long day Tuesday - 5 meetings that went from 9:30 in the morning til 10 at night. So in my tired state, I got home confused and pretty hungry. I went to the kitchen, saw some spagetti in the pot and some meat in the fridge. 'How nice!' I thought 'They've left me some spag bol to cook up!' So anyway I cooked the spag bol up, ate it, and was really full, which is a good thing.

The next day when I got home, the family and I were sitting round the table and Brenda (my host mum) said to me 'I have to make an apology Sam, the spag bol was for tonight, I just left it out ready cause I was going out today'. So it turns out I ate the WHOLE family's lot of spag bol. That's four people's dinner, in my dinner. Highly embarrassing.

I'm playing drums in church. Suddenly I can play drums. It's like some sort of hidden super power or something. I'm really missing people now. I miss you guys. Stacey sent me a lovely love letter. Thanks Stacey. And everybody keeps sending me lovely emails. Thanks everybody. And Ash sent me a lovely valentines email. Thanks Ash.

Ok well, I'm going up to see Emma and Abby to have a girly gossip session before bed. Yay!

2005-02-01T09:30:00.000Z

Well I stole Chris's digital camera for a couple of days and got some shots to show you guys. This is England. If you can see out the windows, it is indeed grey. But I'm having an awesome time. On Friday I went into my old school. I was sooo nervous I couldn't really eat (which is saying something) but it turned out to really cool. It felt like old times when I got talking to the guys again, and it was cool to have our old 'gang' back for a few hours, with nothing much changed. Except everyones taller. Except for me.
Back in the day, me, Ben and Tom had a little band when we were just starting to learn our instruments. We weren't very good but it was always pretty fun. So for old times sake we decided to have a jam, and we were pretty good for the first time and I think we're gonna play at Chris's 18th. Should be good. I put the piccies from the jam below. Aside from that I got introduced to the church on Sunday which was cool and really good to see old faces - a lot of people wanting to talk to me that never did last time I was here. I think they miss my parents.

So I hear Parachute and BDO were awesome, that's really cool. It's times like that where I can't help but feel left out or a bit jealous that I missed them. It really hit home that I'm not with you guys anymore.

Missing y'all heaps.

2005-02-01T09:22:00.000Z

The band kick off the disco funk tune. Ohhhhhhhh yeah.

2005-02-01T09:21:00.000Z

I personally feel that this is the best looking band member...

2005-02-01T09:20:00.000Z

Ben - the best flippin' bass player in the world!!!!!

2005-02-01T09:19:00.000Z

Mr Tom The Music Man.

2005-02-01T09:18:00.000Z

I don't know whether I should admit that this guy is one of my best mates.... this is Chris.

2005-01-31T21:16:00.000Z

Spot the retard.

I made it!

2005-01-23T19:08:00.000Z

Howdeedoodee guys!

I know I said I'd update this once a week and I've already failed, but I have been insanely busy. I guess I just thought I should let you know know that I made it alive n stuff.

Well I have to say - leaving wasn't easy. Saying goodbye to people round my house was wierd, and I felt kinda sick with nerves which wasn't cool - but thanks for coming. Then at the airport saying goodbye to the people that came was wierd as - it just felt really surreal. I have to say though, saying goodbye to my family was the hardest part. It was so quick and didn't seem to do it justice and I was upset bout that. As soon as I walked through the departure gate I was fighting the tears. I suddenly just felt all alone and I hated it. I had a lump in my throat the whole first flight.

The second flight was cool. I made friends with this Isreali girl called Reut who was talking to me about Jewish stuff and I was talking to her about Christian stuff - so it was pretty interesting. We kept eachother company on that flight.

However it was the flight to London which got me. I just suddenly got so upset. I was covering my face with my blanket so that no one could see me cry and in the end I had to go into the toilet. I was crying hard. I kept seeing the image of my dad waving goodbye and bursting into tears. I'm feeling sad again just writing about it actually...

Got off ma plane, went to the arrivals gate and there were my friends Emma and Abby waving with a big 'Welcome Back Sam' sign which was cool. Unfortunately they'd been standing around for an hour from 6 in the morning. Oh well, I'm sure it was worth it. It's cool coz it's still really easy to talk to them. Major blow though - got home and realised my carry on bag had been left at baggage reclaim, and subsequently stolen. This meant that I've lost a pile of cd's, cd player, digital camera, cell phone, shaver, books, bank cards, wallet, 80 american dollars, return ticket, prayer journal and headphones - a lot of money. Bummer.

So yeah, it's wierd being back - really cold and the accent's annoying, but I'm enjoying and I'm being really looked after. I didn't get a chance to update because this weekend I've been at a youth leaders conference at a holiday park which I have to say, was awesome. So a big thankyou to everyone who's been emailing me - I really appreciate it and I'll email back when I can. Missin' you all heaps.

The Matapouri Experience

2005-01-15T13:46:00.000Z

I had quite a cool final holiday with my family, doing nothing then climbing hills, kayaking etc.

Our place stunk though, we rented it off some Maori family, and lovingly named it 'The Marae'. It stunk, and to my horror, on my bed was what looked like a real poo stain. Having said that, we had a really good time - and thanks to all those that texted me, even if I did have to climb a hill to get reception.

Well, I have 36 hours til I leave and it's really scary, but it's cool to hear people are coming to say goodbye. It's gonna be wierd.

Like so totally wierd uh huh.

2005-01-15T13:44:00.000Z

Our Marae ow.

2005-01-15T13:43:00.000Z

The suspicious looking stain on my bed....

2005-01-15T13:41:00.000Z

This is the awesome view from the hill where I was texting some of you guys

2005-01-15T13:38:00.000Z

This is a picture of the sunrise I took the other morningwhich I'm pretty proud of.

2005-01-06T13:44:00.000Z

Ok, I'm going on holiday with my family to Matapouri for a week which should be awesome but probably won't mean I'll be able to see many of you guys before I leave, so any visitors are welcome on the 15th, 16th, or 17th morning. Also the airport would be cool too. My flight is 2:20pm on Monday 17th, so I'll need to be at the airport at about 12 midday.

I think some people are still confused as to what I am ACTUALLY doing over there. Well, I'm pretty much working full time for my old church as an intern, doing youth group stuff etc which should be wicked. I got my timetables today which is really cool, they're pretty intense but look good as.

Seeya next week folks.

2005-01-06T01:53:00.000Z

Ok this my new haircut. The mullet is gone. It's not only cold but also quite unsettling. New haircut good/bad? Let me know. Y'see I told the lady to tidy it up and she (in my opinion) got carried away. It'll grow back I spose...

2005-01-04T08:08:00.000Z

Yeah so this is the blog for checking up on what I'm doing over in England. Please make sure you post comments/email me so I know you guys are still alive - it takes effort to stay in contact over a year, but it would mean heaps. Im leaving on the 17th so that's two weeks today and I have heaps to sort out.

The plan is to update this blog at least once a week (its one of my new years resolutions) and I'll do my best to get pictures up on here too. Tell ya what... it's really wierd saying goodbye to people for such a long time. Last night Jakes came round to say goodbye and it was the wierdest feeling - he's one of my best mates and now I'm not gonna see him anymore.

Sorry about all the annoying emails by the way, hope to catch up with all of you at some point before I go.

Samuel